With Christmas and my birthday coming up, i'm probably the most difficult person to shop for you're thinking... :)
so here is my wishlist :) good luck ;) kiddddding.. but it helps right?
Go Jane
- Mesh Ankle Leatherette Maryjane Rust 7 http://tinyurl.com/yjtngso
- Five Buckle Stud Trim Boot Taupe 7 http://tinyurl.com/ydw6g35
- Zipper Mid Calf Bootie in Grey 7 http://tinyurl.com/yepqzow
Miscellaneous
Computer Chair covers, or maybe just new chair lol ahh
-500 diy gold pyramid studs http://tinyurl.com/yj7eukh
Urban Outfitters
-Denne & Ozzy Tiger Belt S/M http://tinyurl.com/yjzb62j
-Deena & Ozzy Tweed Chain Bag from UO http://tinyurl.com/ykqysez
- J. Aldridge By Sea of Shoes Lace-Up Skimmer at UO http://tinyurl.com/ykqysez
- Studded Arc Ring at UO http://tinyurl.com/yznl6kj
Free People
- Pyramid Stud Necklace http://tinyurl.com/yc3xtkb
- Studded Side Sling Bag http://tinyurl.com/yzf662s ( you can get it at icings/claires for $30 ;)
Jewelerybynet.com
- Custom 2 Finger Name Ring http://tinyurl.com/6dmzmt
Forever21
- Duffle Shoulder Bag in Teal http://tinyurl.com/yzrdz4r
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Aquarious Daily Horoscope October 9, 2009.
You're probably ready to move, but your ex keeps trying to pull you back into his or her life. There was a reason that you left this relationship behind, and it's probably still a good one. Don't be led astray, only go back on your own accord.
----
Time when you get real pleasure from entertaining friends. You will thirst for knowledge. You will know how to catch in flight every possible opportunity.
You will be energetic, solid, resistant, spirited, trustworthy, hardy and resolute. You will be very attracted by a member of the opposite sex. Problems will be resolved with no difficulty, everything will fit into place.
You will feel on top form, take the initiative. There will certainly be a change in your life, a change for the better.
You will be in good health and have lots of vitality. You will feel good. This is a good time for all intellectual work.
You will finally realize your plans, after long and painstaking work, thanks to your patience, to your experience, which you have always known how to use, to your common sense and also because you have never lost sight of your objective.
You will be somewhat wrapped up in yourself. You will very much want to be free and independent. Your emotional life may well be stormy.
You will often be prone to fear, imaginary terrors. Your ideas will be as unsound as your character.
This transit will make you hard and egotistical. You will be easily irritated, your words will be insulting, outrageous and sarcastic. You will live beyond your means.
----
If they're really interested, they'll wait. Try to be patient and understanding. Entertainment should include the whole family or a lot of your friends.
---
Your personal charm increases now. You tend to take more initiative in teamwork situations. The work that you have done to improve your finances and personal worth over the past year is showing some positive results. With the extra courage that you have now, you can ask for a raise in pay. You can earn more or spend to improve your security and comfort. You will be happy to pay off some of the recently accumulated bills. You give more attention to improving your personal appearance this afternoon as you may try out a new hair cut or list your needs for winter clothes to either purchase or mend or clean. You may seek self-expression through music, or other artistic means. Organizing and decorating and preparing ahead is a theme this day.
----
Time when you get real pleasure from entertaining friends. You will thirst for knowledge. You will know how to catch in flight every possible opportunity.
You will be energetic, solid, resistant, spirited, trustworthy, hardy and resolute. You will be very attracted by a member of the opposite sex. Problems will be resolved with no difficulty, everything will fit into place.
You will feel on top form, take the initiative. There will certainly be a change in your life, a change for the better.
You will be in good health and have lots of vitality. You will feel good. This is a good time for all intellectual work.
You will finally realize your plans, after long and painstaking work, thanks to your patience, to your experience, which you have always known how to use, to your common sense and also because you have never lost sight of your objective.
You will be somewhat wrapped up in yourself. You will very much want to be free and independent. Your emotional life may well be stormy.
You will often be prone to fear, imaginary terrors. Your ideas will be as unsound as your character.
This transit will make you hard and egotistical. You will be easily irritated, your words will be insulting, outrageous and sarcastic. You will live beyond your means.
----
If they're really interested, they'll wait. Try to be patient and understanding. Entertainment should include the whole family or a lot of your friends.
---
Your personal charm increases now. You tend to take more initiative in teamwork situations. The work that you have done to improve your finances and personal worth over the past year is showing some positive results. With the extra courage that you have now, you can ask for a raise in pay. You can earn more or spend to improve your security and comfort. You will be happy to pay off some of the recently accumulated bills. You give more attention to improving your personal appearance this afternoon as you may try out a new hair cut or list your needs for winter clothes to either purchase or mend or clean. You may seek self-expression through music, or other artistic means. Organizing and decorating and preparing ahead is a theme this day.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Today and Tomorrow
Monday, September 7 2009
You are dynamic and self-assertive in professional, social and romantic activities. It's a good time for creating new projects or bringing old ones to an end. Communications are your strong suit--you can say what you think in very clear terms. You may find yourself teaching your methods to others. Your dreams or ideals can now begin to take practical form and application. Old situations are fading away and opportunities present themselves for new adventures. With self-respect and realism, you can be supportive of others and begin to achieve concrete results from your ideas. Your community involvement this evening can make considerable progress. Your vision and psychological insight can be inspiring and therapeutic to yourself and others.
Tuesday, September 8 2009
You have increased self-confidence to try new things that are unusual and inventive. These new matters will help you pursue your goals. It is a time of change, stimulating friends and new acquaintances--favorable for enterprises in the technology and entertainment fields. Anything new or beneficial begun now, will have a positive end. You tend to be highly idealistic in your romantic life. You may unrealistically bestow your affection on the wrong people. Your intuitive, psychic abilities are stimulated. You are especially sensitive to beauty, art and music. This afternoon is a good time for community involvement--you tend to feel charitable and considerate of those who are less fortunate.
You are dynamic and self-assertive in professional, social and romantic activities. It's a good time for creating new projects or bringing old ones to an end. Communications are your strong suit--you can say what you think in very clear terms. You may find yourself teaching your methods to others. Your dreams or ideals can now begin to take practical form and application. Old situations are fading away and opportunities present themselves for new adventures. With self-respect and realism, you can be supportive of others and begin to achieve concrete results from your ideas. Your community involvement this evening can make considerable progress. Your vision and psychological insight can be inspiring and therapeutic to yourself and others.
Tuesday, September 8 2009
You have increased self-confidence to try new things that are unusual and inventive. These new matters will help you pursue your goals. It is a time of change, stimulating friends and new acquaintances--favorable for enterprises in the technology and entertainment fields. Anything new or beneficial begun now, will have a positive end. You tend to be highly idealistic in your romantic life. You may unrealistically bestow your affection on the wrong people. Your intuitive, psychic abilities are stimulated. You are especially sensitive to beauty, art and music. This afternoon is a good time for community involvement--you tend to feel charitable and considerate of those who are less fortunate.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Aquarius: Daily Horoscope for 28th August 2009
wowieeeeee--------- check this out. my goodness....
You will know how to catch in flight every possible opportunity. You will be very ambitious during this period. You will feel good.
You will have a period when dreams shall be king. A time when distractions and dreams will make you lose contact with reality. You will feel on top form, in good humor without really knowing why.
You will be attracted by an unusual person, whose charm will bewitch you. You will thirst for knowledge. Everything depends on the position of Saturn in the birth chart.
You will be enthusiastic, frank, sincere, upright. There will certainly be a change in your life, a change for the better.
Period when you will be in top physical shape. You will finally realize your plans, after long and painstaking work, thanks to your patience, to your experience, which you have always known how to use, to your common sense and also because you have never lost sight of your objective.
You will be energetic, full of go.
(however this part seems very out of place... =p)
You will often be prone to fear, imaginary terrors. You will be tormented, melancholy, menaced, overwhelmed by an inexplicable dark feeling that something awful is going to happen. You will be disturbed, upset, troubled and tormented.
Time when love life is not going well.
You will know how to catch in flight every possible opportunity. You will be very ambitious during this period. You will feel good.
You will have a period when dreams shall be king. A time when distractions and dreams will make you lose contact with reality. You will feel on top form, in good humor without really knowing why.
You will be attracted by an unusual person, whose charm will bewitch you. You will thirst for knowledge. Everything depends on the position of Saturn in the birth chart.
You will be enthusiastic, frank, sincere, upright. There will certainly be a change in your life, a change for the better.
Period when you will be in top physical shape. You will finally realize your plans, after long and painstaking work, thanks to your patience, to your experience, which you have always known how to use, to your common sense and also because you have never lost sight of your objective.
You will be energetic, full of go.
(however this part seems very out of place... =p)
You will often be prone to fear, imaginary terrors. You will be tormented, melancholy, menaced, overwhelmed by an inexplicable dark feeling that something awful is going to happen. You will be disturbed, upset, troubled and tormented.
Time when love life is not going well.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
D > Disappointment, Dissociate, inDifference.
So lately i've been feeling very on and off. So much stuff has been going on in my head mentally and so much going on with my body physically. I've thought about it once or twice. the reality of the recurring cancer, and the realistic statistic that ovarian cancer is one of the most likely in recurring. I have even recently read articles on it recurring, awakening better yet, even after 10 years. This year September 2009 will date it as 7 years survived i guess. But reading the words that a Doctor avoids saying "You are cured" because the actuality of it all is that you are never really cured. Sometimes it's just asleep. There is always that possibility that it will return. And I wonder. with all the changes, the differences I've noticed in my health and the physical and i worry. For the past few years, maybe since 2006 or 2007 my health has elevated to a negative... lol does that make sense. a negative thing... it has become more and more frequent, of feeling fatigued, sick, random and sporadic pains and worries. And more and more different things being wrong, and because for the last few years it has become a normal thing for me, but elevating... i never really think to compare to before. I remember when i first got sick, yes i was down and out, yes I was physically down, but after awhile i was still ok, but now it seems like these little chronic health complications are just holding me back more and more. What am i supposed to think, how am i supposed to feel? I've been MIA from life because of this and people worry. And i'm jealous of everyone who is able to live their normal lives, with their guilt free healthiness! :/ ugggh. I know, i'm not trying to spite everyone else who isn't experiencing this, but at the same time.. i am a bit. It's hard living this way. Yes it's moderately normal, but i'm sure you don't have second thoughts about the things that you feel, the pain you endure, the emotions you encounter. You don't understand how it is to have survived, and still lived, but yet.. still dying. Everytime i think of all of this, i think of Johnny Lang's Dying to live... he states, why are we dying to live, if were just living to die. Sometimes I take that into consideration with my life. Everything is IRATIK right, who know's what tomorrow will bring. Yes you can say it's bad, but would it be fair to be cut off as well, after working so hard. It's like what are we working so hard for. It sucks i tell you that alot of times the world revolves around money, everything revolves around money.. living revolves around it. You'd think we'd be alot happier. But who knows right.
It's been so long, sometimes I swear I don't know what normal is anymore, all i have to accept is that this is MY NORMAL. and how is that fair? That what i'm encountering everyday holds me back, that i can't enjoy the beautiful things in life, because i'm always too afraid of something just merely ruining it. Maybe you'll just say I'm living in fear, but until you've been in my shoes. Then you tell me what's good. Cause quite frankly I don't know anymore.
I would love to be able to do certain things, but I swear that this iratik health complication... though minor i'd rate it.. would most definately be different for a normal person. My pain i swear, the pain levels, i endure, to a normal person, probably couldn't endure, but because I am so used to pain, I am not sure if my 6 is a 8 to you, or a 3 is a 5...
My life is full of dreams, I've been told to have so much potential. I love my life, i love living, I love the things of this world. and the happiness. the option to be happy.
But lately i feel i have been falling short. I realize that in the last few jobs I have also had, my health has withered a bit, and i have become somewhat sketchy and unreliable... i wasn't always like this, i had more strength, even after the chemo. i was stronger, i did a lot of things, even with my social life, i was out there more, i lived, and i wasn't afraid, but i guess it's true what they say, even if you've survived cancer, and you were strong and resilient inititally, chances are, the second time around you might not be able to cut it as much as you did the first.
When i found out i had cancer in 2002, i was surprised, after undergoing surgery, they had overlooked the mass and had said it was benign (non-cancerous) but a short while after they had diagnosed me with cancer, and i took it pretty well considering i had just been told i had cancer. funny thing is that all i was worried about at the moment was being able to graduate, missing 2 months of schooling.. that and the wonder of whether i'd ever have children.
They told me i would, but sometimes i still wonder. They say ovarian cancer is the most likely to recur in cancer patients, and if it were to recur in the same place, so god help me, i can't not have children.
So many thoughts, so many changes, so much has been going on within me. Despite the fact that I go nowhere and practically dissociate myself from everyone and am totally indifferent to the world and my responsibilities sometimes.. there has been alot going on. and at the age of 23, i am quite disappointed in myself , and the fact that i am held back by emotional relations, all in which i wonder could be attached to the physical. But despite everything, i am happy.
i guess i'll never reall know.
It's been so long, sometimes I swear I don't know what normal is anymore, all i have to accept is that this is MY NORMAL. and how is that fair? That what i'm encountering everyday holds me back, that i can't enjoy the beautiful things in life, because i'm always too afraid of something just merely ruining it. Maybe you'll just say I'm living in fear, but until you've been in my shoes. Then you tell me what's good. Cause quite frankly I don't know anymore.
I would love to be able to do certain things, but I swear that this iratik health complication... though minor i'd rate it.. would most definately be different for a normal person. My pain i swear, the pain levels, i endure, to a normal person, probably couldn't endure, but because I am so used to pain, I am not sure if my 6 is a 8 to you, or a 3 is a 5...
My life is full of dreams, I've been told to have so much potential. I love my life, i love living, I love the things of this world. and the happiness. the option to be happy.
But lately i feel i have been falling short. I realize that in the last few jobs I have also had, my health has withered a bit, and i have become somewhat sketchy and unreliable... i wasn't always like this, i had more strength, even after the chemo. i was stronger, i did a lot of things, even with my social life, i was out there more, i lived, and i wasn't afraid, but i guess it's true what they say, even if you've survived cancer, and you were strong and resilient inititally, chances are, the second time around you might not be able to cut it as much as you did the first.
When i found out i had cancer in 2002, i was surprised, after undergoing surgery, they had overlooked the mass and had said it was benign (non-cancerous) but a short while after they had diagnosed me with cancer, and i took it pretty well considering i had just been told i had cancer. funny thing is that all i was worried about at the moment was being able to graduate, missing 2 months of schooling.. that and the wonder of whether i'd ever have children.
They told me i would, but sometimes i still wonder. They say ovarian cancer is the most likely to recur in cancer patients, and if it were to recur in the same place, so god help me, i can't not have children.
So many thoughts, so many changes, so much has been going on within me. Despite the fact that I go nowhere and practically dissociate myself from everyone and am totally indifferent to the world and my responsibilities sometimes.. there has been alot going on. and at the age of 23, i am quite disappointed in myself , and the fact that i am held back by emotional relations, all in which i wonder could be attached to the physical. But despite everything, i am happy.
i guess i'll never reall know.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
3 at night captures.
i was gonna tap out at 12 tonight, my body was ready. but i guess i decided to let my insecure mind capture me instead...
oh woe is me, for i dare not share what is in my heart in fear of losing myself. For why are we woman so vulnerable, so emotional. so targeted...
for my mind couldn't rest tonight and i just couldn't dare to not record my thoughts.
for they spilled out like water overflowing from an endless faucet of supressed emotions. this is me.
so why is it that i'm feeling this tonight. hypothetically she said.. "why am i not good enough..." why is it that everything has to matter. why do we worry about being perfect. or at the very least their idea of perfect. why do we muster up these feelings of jealousy and saddness for no reason whatsoever but to bring ourselves down.
oh you don' t know how i feel. you don't know what i think. you can't imagine the things i lead myself to believe. All because i let you pull me down, way down. Beyond your reach, further than you could ever expect of me.
Or could you, could you dear stranger. With your high expectations and your shallow needs. This hypothetical stranger, you pull me down. Why is there a need for us to be perfect, to fit the physical ideal of your perfect dream girl.
From the hair to the eyes, the lips, to the legs, to the body to the everything... everything i swear. these insecurities i feel. how can i ever feel beautiful. how will i ever feel safe. how will i ever move on.
you don't understand what damage you strangers can do. oh you don't know me. you know nothing but the visual exterior of this body. you know nothing of what lies within which to some may make me even more beautiful than before, because why. because to you, this is standard. when standards are just physical and cut off from the connection to personality and mere connection between two human beings.
why do i feel this way tonight? i don't know. maybe i've just come to a realization. maybe i have been let down by love. maybe i feel insecure and pegged for the worst. who am i to know what runs through your mind strangers.
what is it. does all of this really matter, the physicalities of a woman. does it all matter, does it add or minus from the connection or the feelings that were felt. if it is true, then why bother at all. just judge upon that if you will use that as a downfall.
what is all of this. as i ramble on and on about nothing and everything. struck down and i am out. out of it all. such prince charmings do not exist, but mere temporary charmers out to get you. out to find temporary happiness. and then keep you at a distance. a just in case type of thing.
oh i am lost in this sea of thoughts and emptiness. it actually sickens me to read the book i started awhile ago, cause i cannot swallow the words i read. word for word and i feel terrible, disgusted, unworthy.
to be apart of a world that isn't your own. i give it up. cause everything is a dream and it would all hurt too much.
oh woe is me, for i dare not share what is in my heart in fear of losing myself. For why are we woman so vulnerable, so emotional. so targeted...
for my mind couldn't rest tonight and i just couldn't dare to not record my thoughts.
for they spilled out like water overflowing from an endless faucet of supressed emotions. this is me.
so why is it that i'm feeling this tonight. hypothetically she said.. "why am i not good enough..." why is it that everything has to matter. why do we worry about being perfect. or at the very least their idea of perfect. why do we muster up these feelings of jealousy and saddness for no reason whatsoever but to bring ourselves down.
oh you don' t know how i feel. you don't know what i think. you can't imagine the things i lead myself to believe. All because i let you pull me down, way down. Beyond your reach, further than you could ever expect of me.
Or could you, could you dear stranger. With your high expectations and your shallow needs. This hypothetical stranger, you pull me down. Why is there a need for us to be perfect, to fit the physical ideal of your perfect dream girl.
From the hair to the eyes, the lips, to the legs, to the body to the everything... everything i swear. these insecurities i feel. how can i ever feel beautiful. how will i ever feel safe. how will i ever move on.
you don't understand what damage you strangers can do. oh you don't know me. you know nothing but the visual exterior of this body. you know nothing of what lies within which to some may make me even more beautiful than before, because why. because to you, this is standard. when standards are just physical and cut off from the connection to personality and mere connection between two human beings.
why do i feel this way tonight? i don't know. maybe i've just come to a realization. maybe i have been let down by love. maybe i feel insecure and pegged for the worst. who am i to know what runs through your mind strangers.
what is it. does all of this really matter, the physicalities of a woman. does it all matter, does it add or minus from the connection or the feelings that were felt. if it is true, then why bother at all. just judge upon that if you will use that as a downfall.
what is all of this. as i ramble on and on about nothing and everything. struck down and i am out. out of it all. such prince charmings do not exist, but mere temporary charmers out to get you. out to find temporary happiness. and then keep you at a distance. a just in case type of thing.
oh i am lost in this sea of thoughts and emptiness. it actually sickens me to read the book i started awhile ago, cause i cannot swallow the words i read. word for word and i feel terrible, disgusted, unworthy.
to be apart of a world that isn't your own. i give it up. cause everything is a dream and it would all hurt too much.
Today's Daily Horoscope!
Thursday, July 9 2009 Aquarious Daily Horoscope
This is a great time to be with others, in any sort of group situation. If you are working, the day should go along quite well. You have a sense of true understanding and real sacrifice to devote toward worthwhile projects. Dedicated to long-range goals, you are future-oriented. Intuitive, you have an inner drive for all that is psychological, religious and mystical. You may find yourself, not necessarily an advisor, but a gatherer of people's experiences today. You will be listening, as usual, to all sorts of information regarding relationships, progress and positive outcomes. Since you are artistic, you might consider taking a class in some new creative skill. Considering your ability to adapt to what is expected of you, you should do quite well.
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So right on.
This is a great time to be with others, in any sort of group situation. If you are working, the day should go along quite well. You have a sense of true understanding and real sacrifice to devote toward worthwhile projects. Dedicated to long-range goals, you are future-oriented. Intuitive, you have an inner drive for all that is psychological, religious and mystical. You may find yourself, not necessarily an advisor, but a gatherer of people's experiences today. You will be listening, as usual, to all sorts of information regarding relationships, progress and positive outcomes. Since you are artistic, you might consider taking a class in some new creative skill. Considering your ability to adapt to what is expected of you, you should do quite well.
------
So right on.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
i ♥ Jam Sessions...
A night at Bellows Beach with a few beers, friends, cold weather, a guitar and a lame alicia cover lol.
Sitting, waiting, wishing...
i need a day to get away and sit and think and discover.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Purpose Driven
i would hand write this vent, but then it wouldn't serve it's purpose.
So I realized as my heart broken multiples times in the last few months, that i had been selfish. But not in the selfish type that i wanted to serve as my purpose of freedom in discovering myself. I realized how i had been so selfish to had let myself be heartbroken multiple times. I will limit what i say to protect my thoughts, as my sister says, to practice being as discreet as possible. But i guess this blog is to push truth to what i've been feeling and what i've been discovering. It has only been a few days since this has hit me, cause foolishly my heart was again ripped apart. And for what purpose? none really. "Don't put your heart out there" someone had once told me.. and i thought to myself. how can you not? but at the same time. i think to myself now.. "why the fuck did i do that.." and as other friends had said "you knew what you were getting yourself into" said the one who barely even knows me... "you knew what you were doing.." said a good friend. as others said "who am i to judge.." with all the multiple perspectives i got for this, i had lost myself and had lost good sense and had fallen over the edge and had transformed into a foolish bias person who had dropped my morals completely, for the sake of what? "chance" and chance of what... to get slaughtered in the making... and all for what? what purpose did i serve, what importance was this? what good came out of this?
i try to look at everything saying that everything holds it's purpose. Yes i got hurt, yes i was stupid, yes i was foolish, yes i was hurting myself and others. i don't know what to say, but "shame on me". As i dare to do the unthinkable, i shall hold my tongue.. cause what.. as in the bible "a wise man holds his tongue, while a foolish man... something something" i forget. but the point is, to not tell all. and God and everyone knows how bad I have always been with that. But i tell you this, this may have been a foolish experience, but it has proven so many things, all my assumptions were true, all my expectations were true sadly. Everything i had envisioned could possibly be, was. And why... was it cause i wanted to teach myself something, to tell myself how deserving i am of so much better? to experience the harsh reality of evil beings of this earth. how horrible it is to come across this, and to feel such pity for those who are less fortunate who are not aware of all the signs, who fall hopelessly for this, or to those who are like me and wish so much for the better and to see the best in a situation. what is this?
i say to you, i still do not know. how foolish was i. i know i know. you can talk all you want about my bad decisions, but i know what was going on .. as a friend told me.. "you're gonna do what you wanna do" and i knew that. how would i have known better. to experience this first hand. no one can ever learn something as good as to experience it but first hand. granted i do not give credit to those who purposely inflict such pain on others as selfishly as they are and so self absorbed. but i have learned not only this much about myself ,but experienced all of this to hopefully forsee and know better, but i realize that this does totally suck. to think that.. we get punished for hoping for the better in someone, hoping that this person isn't what they seemed to be, but are so much better then they are.
HOPE
why does that word just pull you, but yet it has that downside and that ability to pull you down sooo low. God help me i'm learning. it is only when we face these actually mistakes, these experiences, do we then know better, but it still isn't fair. in this sense and to also think.. the learning of knowing what i do deserve, and at the same time feeling so sadly and badly about it knowing that.. there is actually someone who will treat you the way you deserve, love you the way you should be, unconditionally.. and giving you the attention and time you desire. all of this. and over those who don't give you the time of day because truth be told. they only give to receive and then leave.
God help me. i hate burning bridges. and i pray that that person knows this.
time.
So I realized as my heart broken multiples times in the last few months, that i had been selfish. But not in the selfish type that i wanted to serve as my purpose of freedom in discovering myself. I realized how i had been so selfish to had let myself be heartbroken multiple times. I will limit what i say to protect my thoughts, as my sister says, to practice being as discreet as possible. But i guess this blog is to push truth to what i've been feeling and what i've been discovering. It has only been a few days since this has hit me, cause foolishly my heart was again ripped apart. And for what purpose? none really. "Don't put your heart out there" someone had once told me.. and i thought to myself. how can you not? but at the same time. i think to myself now.. "why the fuck did i do that.." and as other friends had said "you knew what you were getting yourself into" said the one who barely even knows me... "you knew what you were doing.." said a good friend. as others said "who am i to judge.." with all the multiple perspectives i got for this, i had lost myself and had lost good sense and had fallen over the edge and had transformed into a foolish bias person who had dropped my morals completely, for the sake of what? "chance" and chance of what... to get slaughtered in the making... and all for what? what purpose did i serve, what importance was this? what good came out of this?
i try to look at everything saying that everything holds it's purpose. Yes i got hurt, yes i was stupid, yes i was foolish, yes i was hurting myself and others. i don't know what to say, but "shame on me". As i dare to do the unthinkable, i shall hold my tongue.. cause what.. as in the bible "a wise man holds his tongue, while a foolish man... something something" i forget. but the point is, to not tell all. and God and everyone knows how bad I have always been with that. But i tell you this, this may have been a foolish experience, but it has proven so many things, all my assumptions were true, all my expectations were true sadly. Everything i had envisioned could possibly be, was. And why... was it cause i wanted to teach myself something, to tell myself how deserving i am of so much better? to experience the harsh reality of evil beings of this earth. how horrible it is to come across this, and to feel such pity for those who are less fortunate who are not aware of all the signs, who fall hopelessly for this, or to those who are like me and wish so much for the better and to see the best in a situation. what is this?
i say to you, i still do not know. how foolish was i. i know i know. you can talk all you want about my bad decisions, but i know what was going on .. as a friend told me.. "you're gonna do what you wanna do" and i knew that. how would i have known better. to experience this first hand. no one can ever learn something as good as to experience it but first hand. granted i do not give credit to those who purposely inflict such pain on others as selfishly as they are and so self absorbed. but i have learned not only this much about myself ,but experienced all of this to hopefully forsee and know better, but i realize that this does totally suck. to think that.. we get punished for hoping for the better in someone, hoping that this person isn't what they seemed to be, but are so much better then they are.
HOPE
why does that word just pull you, but yet it has that downside and that ability to pull you down sooo low. God help me i'm learning. it is only when we face these actually mistakes, these experiences, do we then know better, but it still isn't fair. in this sense and to also think.. the learning of knowing what i do deserve, and at the same time feeling so sadly and badly about it knowing that.. there is actually someone who will treat you the way you deserve, love you the way you should be, unconditionally.. and giving you the attention and time you desire. all of this. and over those who don't give you the time of day because truth be told. they only give to receive and then leave.
God help me. i hate burning bridges. and i pray that that person knows this.
time.
Friday, May 8, 2009
I'm Dying to Know
so this is how it feels
my hearts a little more broken
my hearts a little more torn
my feelings are a little more sulkin
and my thoughts are now a little more used.
i'm trying to resist it
i'm trying to refrain
but i can't rest without closure
i already know it won't be the same
but my heart or my mind
i can't tell which lingers most
the one that keeps melting constantly
or the one who fails to stop boasting
my pride is within me,
but yet i know it's only fair
but how you keep leaving me hanging
drifting, fluttering in the air
its not right, it's uncool,
it's unfair i say to you
but your answers are sporadic
they leave me lonely and still
i keep grasping for something
as i hang on for my dear will
i hate to say it but i'm crestfallen
by this path you lead me down
cause my mind yes you have stolen
and my heart won't be around
because it's confused and mutilated
its damage now and still
you persistently knock out my existing attempts
my false allegations, interpretations if you will
the last two months have been so crazy
my mind was hanging by a thread
and my heart is now tucked away
far deep inside into the darkness of it's bed
i'm not ready for the truth possibly
but my heart tells me i must know
that this game we have started long ago
is gone now, and yet i'll never know
what made you steal that part of me
what made you so eager to fin
or was this all a ploy again
and i was just a trophy for you to win
all my sleepless nights and questions
showed nothing of me still
just of quiet desperation
and of your temporary fill
you could tell me that you're sorry
but that would be so new
you could tell me i meant nothing
then i'd slowly swallow that pill
that pill of insecurity
of how you shot me down until
my mind and body segregated
i was just your prey
and you were just in it for the kill
or maybe i'm just conjuring up
whatever makes best sense
all that hurt and all those feelings
all the physicalities so intense.
i guess i was all along
just another notch you see
you'll go on and forget
yet you'll always remember me
cause one day you'll think back again
and recall all the happiness then the hate
for that momentary lapse of misjudgment
my thoughts of you will soon dissipate
but the questions will remain with you
and you'll wonder yes indeed
did you do what was right instead
or did you just merely fail to succeed
a relationship
a friendship
a fling quite possibly
what was i to you
please tell me
cause i'm just dying to know
what i'm measured up to be.
my hearts a little more broken
my hearts a little more torn
my feelings are a little more sulkin
and my thoughts are now a little more used.
i'm trying to resist it
i'm trying to refrain
but i can't rest without closure
i already know it won't be the same
but my heart or my mind
i can't tell which lingers most
the one that keeps melting constantly
or the one who fails to stop boasting
my pride is within me,
but yet i know it's only fair
but how you keep leaving me hanging
drifting, fluttering in the air
its not right, it's uncool,
it's unfair i say to you
but your answers are sporadic
they leave me lonely and still
i keep grasping for something
as i hang on for my dear will
i hate to say it but i'm crestfallen
by this path you lead me down
cause my mind yes you have stolen
and my heart won't be around
because it's confused and mutilated
its damage now and still
you persistently knock out my existing attempts
my false allegations, interpretations if you will
the last two months have been so crazy
my mind was hanging by a thread
and my heart is now tucked away
far deep inside into the darkness of it's bed
i'm not ready for the truth possibly
but my heart tells me i must know
that this game we have started long ago
is gone now, and yet i'll never know
what made you steal that part of me
what made you so eager to fin
or was this all a ploy again
and i was just a trophy for you to win
all my sleepless nights and questions
showed nothing of me still
just of quiet desperation
and of your temporary fill
you could tell me that you're sorry
but that would be so new
you could tell me i meant nothing
then i'd slowly swallow that pill
that pill of insecurity
of how you shot me down until
my mind and body segregated
i was just your prey
and you were just in it for the kill
or maybe i'm just conjuring up
whatever makes best sense
all that hurt and all those feelings
all the physicalities so intense.
i guess i was all along
just another notch you see
you'll go on and forget
yet you'll always remember me
cause one day you'll think back again
and recall all the happiness then the hate
for that momentary lapse of misjudgment
my thoughts of you will soon dissipate
but the questions will remain with you
and you'll wonder yes indeed
did you do what was right instead
or did you just merely fail to succeed
a relationship
a friendship
a fling quite possibly
what was i to you
please tell me
cause i'm just dying to know
what i'm measured up to be.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Fri May 1: Balancing Act
Strive for balance as the Moon and your life ruler face off today. It may be hard to get along with significant others as they seem more sensitive than usual, but it won't help much if you insist on doing everything your own way. Work together for an agreeable compromise and you will find the evening will be more than satisfying. Fortunate colours are mauve and light pink. Lucky numbers are 16 and 25.
Sat May 2: Frustration
The Moon clashes with deceptive Neptune, overconfident Jupiter and aggressive Mars, creating a great deal of frustration for the Water- Bearer. Your siblings and neighbours may demand a great deal of you and your dearly beloved partners may be quite off the planet; if it gets to be too much, head fro the hills and chill out. Whatever comes up today is likely to resurface later in the month, so you'll have a second chance to deal with the issues then. Beneficial colours are aquamarine and red coral. Lucky numbers are 18 and 31.
Sun May 3: Emotional Depths
The depths of your emotions begin to surface as the Moon enters your eight house of sex, money, and power... many of you will be feeling very passionate today. You may encounter frustrations as retro Saturn denies you pleasure, but if you are patient the cosmos will open the necessary doors for you. Favourable colours are wine red and mink brown. Lucky numbers are 9 and 35.
Tue May 5: Adventure
This is a great weekend to take off on an adventure as the Moon slips into fair Libra and your ninth house of education and travel. The Sun favours Saturn too, which is good for planning. It will also be easier to communicate with those at a distance, so make those difficult phone calls while the timing is right. You might even find you enjoy the company of your in-laws, so enjoy it while you can! Fortunate colours are aquamarine and lemon yellow. Lucky numbers are 9 and 36.
Strive for balance as the Moon and your life ruler face off today. It may be hard to get along with significant others as they seem more sensitive than usual, but it won't help much if you insist on doing everything your own way. Work together for an agreeable compromise and you will find the evening will be more than satisfying. Fortunate colours are mauve and light pink. Lucky numbers are 16 and 25.
Sat May 2: Frustration
The Moon clashes with deceptive Neptune, overconfident Jupiter and aggressive Mars, creating a great deal of frustration for the Water- Bearer. Your siblings and neighbours may demand a great deal of you and your dearly beloved partners may be quite off the planet; if it gets to be too much, head fro the hills and chill out. Whatever comes up today is likely to resurface later in the month, so you'll have a second chance to deal with the issues then. Beneficial colours are aquamarine and red coral. Lucky numbers are 18 and 31.
Sun May 3: Emotional Depths
The depths of your emotions begin to surface as the Moon enters your eight house of sex, money, and power... many of you will be feeling very passionate today. You may encounter frustrations as retro Saturn denies you pleasure, but if you are patient the cosmos will open the necessary doors for you. Favourable colours are wine red and mink brown. Lucky numbers are 9 and 35.
Tue May 5: Adventure
This is a great weekend to take off on an adventure as the Moon slips into fair Libra and your ninth house of education and travel. The Sun favours Saturn too, which is good for planning. It will also be easier to communicate with those at a distance, so make those difficult phone calls while the timing is right. You might even find you enjoy the company of your in-laws, so enjoy it while you can! Fortunate colours are aquamarine and lemon yellow. Lucky numbers are 9 and 36.
Daily Horoscope Part 1
AQUARIUS
Tuesday, May 5th, 2009:
You surprise yourself -- and possibly quite a few other people -- by forging a strong connection with someone who's pretty far afield from your usual clients or friends. Make the most of it!
You are torn between wanting to get out and do something that takes you far away or staying at home and isolating yourself from the rest of the world. But neither of these extremes will work as you probably have your regular responsibilities to handle today. Others may not even realize your current dissatisfaction for you are masterful now at covering your unfulfilled desires with apparent busyness. Just don't be so clever that you also mislead yourself.
Tuesday, May 5th, 2009:
You surprise yourself -- and possibly quite a few other people -- by forging a strong connection with someone who's pretty far afield from your usual clients or friends. Make the most of it!
You are torn between wanting to get out and do something that takes you far away or staying at home and isolating yourself from the rest of the world. But neither of these extremes will work as you probably have your regular responsibilities to handle today. Others may not even realize your current dissatisfaction for you are masterful now at covering your unfulfilled desires with apparent busyness. Just don't be so clever that you also mislead yourself.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Don't Call Me
Don't call me ©
by Tiffany Ganotisi
Don't call me anymore
i'm not ready for love
i don't want to get caught up
i've been hurt before
there's still pieces that i can't find
his story still plagues my mind
sooo, why are you treating me so right
what's the catch this time
why are you sweeping me off my feet
is this just the eve of deceit
what's your intentions
what do you want from me
what's your ulterior motive
are you gonna make me fall then leave
don't call me anymore
i don't want to get hurt again
don't' call me anymore
cause i feel the feelings rush in
don't give me a single red rose
don't you show up at my door
stop trying to make me yours
quit giving me nicknames
i'm scared of the change
cause i'm hooked on you
why are you taking my breath away
what kind of game you trying to play
how do you know exactly what to say
where's your script to the play
what's our intention
what do you want from
what's your ulterior motive
are you gonna make me fall than leave
don't call me anymore
i don't want to get hurt anymore
don't call me anymore
cause i feel all the feelings rush in
by Tiffany Ganotisi
Don't call me anymore
i'm not ready for love
i don't want to get caught up
i've been hurt before
there's still pieces that i can't find
his story still plagues my mind
sooo, why are you treating me so right
what's the catch this time
why are you sweeping me off my feet
is this just the eve of deceit
what's your intentions
what do you want from me
what's your ulterior motive
are you gonna make me fall then leave
don't call me anymore
i don't want to get hurt again
don't' call me anymore
cause i feel the feelings rush in
don't give me a single red rose
don't you show up at my door
stop trying to make me yours
quit giving me nicknames
i'm scared of the change
cause i'm hooked on you
why are you taking my breath away
what kind of game you trying to play
how do you know exactly what to say
where's your script to the play
what's our intention
what do you want from
what's your ulterior motive
are you gonna make me fall than leave
don't call me anymore
i don't want to get hurt anymore
don't call me anymore
cause i feel all the feelings rush in
Sunday, April 19, 2009
to those of you...
to those of you who are too afraid
to let your heart feel
the icey hearts of those who have been let down
one to many times
the hardened hearts
who fought so hard to build those walls
to those of you
who built those walls from scratch
the walls that at first started as straw,
but then were blown away with heartache
the walls that then were built with brick,
but then were foolish crushed through unexpectedly
to those of you who had torn down bridges unknowingly
the bridges that had formed first through friendship
and then grew into interest
the bridges that sparked from interest to like
then unexpectedly crashed and burned to despair
to those of you who had burdened
such despair and resentment,
which started through interest and hope
to those of you who had started
with wishful thinking and positive thoughts,
which started with a look, grew with a smile
and flourished with a kiss
to those of you who had leaped and jumped
and ran to the edge of the cliff
which initiated with a kiss,
grew with a question and snowballed with doubt
to those of you who had got lost in translation
with the words yet unsaid
for than became the basis of the arguments
and the confusion at state
to those of you who had tried desperately
to find meaning within the words in between
for they had become the basis of subliminal messages
of truth hidden and surpressed
to those of you who had realized what they had done
and lost subconsciously
for they had been so guarded
and oblivious to see what was really at state
for the times that they kissed and smiled so deeply
all the questions that lingered and faltered relentlessly
for the awkward moments of devastation and social casualty
all the heartache attached, all the physicalities consumed
for the pieces of heart and self that were put forward in faith
and then selfishly ravished away into the thoughts of the mind
for what is done and cannot at all be taken back
for the damage is done, and there is not much yet to heal
but the feelings that were present, all that much was too real
but all the confusing matters at heart, all the suffering done
all the indifference and bruising, disbelief of chance in being the one
for it wasn't even that long of a time, to put your heart out there
to get broken, yet not cry,
yet enough to do damage to the friendship at hand,
the circumstances of a real purpose...
all the thoughts on demand
for what they've felt before now seems absent
and has diminished if so, this was all just meant for your amusement,
brief and to the point.. for what once was so pure initially at birth
has ended so brutally, with apathetic concern and pure mirth.
to let your heart feel
the icey hearts of those who have been let down
one to many times
the hardened hearts
who fought so hard to build those walls
to those of you
who built those walls from scratch
the walls that at first started as straw,
but then were blown away with heartache
the walls that then were built with brick,
but then were foolish crushed through unexpectedly
to those of you who had torn down bridges unknowingly
the bridges that had formed first through friendship
and then grew into interest
the bridges that sparked from interest to like
then unexpectedly crashed and burned to despair
to those of you who had burdened
such despair and resentment,
which started through interest and hope
to those of you who had started
with wishful thinking and positive thoughts,
which started with a look, grew with a smile
and flourished with a kiss
to those of you who had leaped and jumped
and ran to the edge of the cliff
which initiated with a kiss,
grew with a question and snowballed with doubt
to those of you who had got lost in translation
with the words yet unsaid
for than became the basis of the arguments
and the confusion at state
to those of you who had tried desperately
to find meaning within the words in between
for they had become the basis of subliminal messages
of truth hidden and surpressed
to those of you who had realized what they had done
and lost subconsciously
for they had been so guarded
and oblivious to see what was really at state
for the times that they kissed and smiled so deeply
all the questions that lingered and faltered relentlessly
for the awkward moments of devastation and social casualty
all the heartache attached, all the physicalities consumed
for the pieces of heart and self that were put forward in faith
and then selfishly ravished away into the thoughts of the mind
for what is done and cannot at all be taken back
for the damage is done, and there is not much yet to heal
but the feelings that were present, all that much was too real
but all the confusing matters at heart, all the suffering done
all the indifference and bruising, disbelief of chance in being the one
for it wasn't even that long of a time, to put your heart out there
to get broken, yet not cry,
yet enough to do damage to the friendship at hand,
the circumstances of a real purpose...
all the thoughts on demand
for what they've felt before now seems absent
and has diminished if so, this was all just meant for your amusement,
brief and to the point.. for what once was so pure initially at birth
has ended so brutally, with apathetic concern and pure mirth.
Day by Day
"She came home smelling like cigarettes, another night deep stench of tini breath.... whooooa oh oh oh.."
the anthem for the past 2 months practically.
what is this fixation with finding happiness. haaaaa. it's normal right. this constant feeling of wanting to find something pure, something permanent something far more reassuring than a temporary squeeze, a quick fix, a puff smoke or a momentary adrenaline rush...
i want so much more in life, i want to find pure happiness, i want to find something, maybe even someone if possible to fill my days with reassurance and happiness, something or someone where i will have no doubts, i will build no walls, all my troubles will be gone for once in my life and for once int he longest time i'll be able to crack an actual, legit, honest to God smile, knowing in the back of my head that this is something that will have meaning, something that won't just last for the moment of now...
I want something far much more than that.
Sadly i feel like i've been settling, i have actually... building up these walls to protect myself, only to realize that i was shutting out a good thing, but whyyy? only to protect myself from the evils of what this possible good thing can bring forth, and shutting out the good things this thing could offer. Maybe it's done, maybe it's completely gone and over the moment of what really is, maybe I made the biggest mistakes these past few days or couple months.. i don't know. But i know that I'll always want more...
Sadly to the say the least, I feel like maybe I am the way I am because I have lost so much faith in love, in trust, in finding a friendship that will be so much more than that, and in finding the love of your life and a spouse who will be truly faithful and see only you. I want so much to have all of that... but it's all so distant. Is it because of all of these crazy walls that build up around me, that create this maze... that for anyone who tries to pursue me will just get utterly lost in all of my translation, because now none of the walls i build make sense, not to them and no to me either. God help me because I can't seem to get on my two feet. I can't distinguish good from evil if there is any.
But i've realized if you continue to be so guarded, you shut out all the good things in your life and could possibly be losing out on the one thing that could've been the best thing ever to you.
have i done that. could this have been that one good thing. she had told me, with a confused yet, disturbed face... "this one was different.. omg... don't tell me he could've possibly be the one... because it's different..." and that scares me..
how am i supposed to know. it seems the first time around that I was so afraid of facing someone different someone I'm so not used to, that i turned them away and disregarded them completely or so it seems in their eyes. but now in all of this, i swear I wish i could've taken it all back, but i guess i can't now.
i guess that's how things work right. everyone has their momentary lapses of misjudgment, and i was his momentary lapse. sadly.. but even if i were to have 'lived completely for the moment'.... would it have been really what we both wanted.
everything happens for a reason...
and i'm still learning..
and consequently.. i'm still completely and utterly distraught...
i'll still feel this way tonight, my heart will still ache for truth, and i'll still rise in the morning with a heart full of regret...
but mind keeps telling me to shut everything out...
I need God now more than ever.
the anthem for the past 2 months practically.
what is this fixation with finding happiness. haaaaa. it's normal right. this constant feeling of wanting to find something pure, something permanent something far more reassuring than a temporary squeeze, a quick fix, a puff smoke or a momentary adrenaline rush...
i want so much more in life, i want to find pure happiness, i want to find something, maybe even someone if possible to fill my days with reassurance and happiness, something or someone where i will have no doubts, i will build no walls, all my troubles will be gone for once in my life and for once int he longest time i'll be able to crack an actual, legit, honest to God smile, knowing in the back of my head that this is something that will have meaning, something that won't just last for the moment of now...
I want something far much more than that.
Sadly i feel like i've been settling, i have actually... building up these walls to protect myself, only to realize that i was shutting out a good thing, but whyyy? only to protect myself from the evils of what this possible good thing can bring forth, and shutting out the good things this thing could offer. Maybe it's done, maybe it's completely gone and over the moment of what really is, maybe I made the biggest mistakes these past few days or couple months.. i don't know. But i know that I'll always want more...
Sadly to the say the least, I feel like maybe I am the way I am because I have lost so much faith in love, in trust, in finding a friendship that will be so much more than that, and in finding the love of your life and a spouse who will be truly faithful and see only you. I want so much to have all of that... but it's all so distant. Is it because of all of these crazy walls that build up around me, that create this maze... that for anyone who tries to pursue me will just get utterly lost in all of my translation, because now none of the walls i build make sense, not to them and no to me either. God help me because I can't seem to get on my two feet. I can't distinguish good from evil if there is any.
But i've realized if you continue to be so guarded, you shut out all the good things in your life and could possibly be losing out on the one thing that could've been the best thing ever to you.
have i done that. could this have been that one good thing. she had told me, with a confused yet, disturbed face... "this one was different.. omg... don't tell me he could've possibly be the one... because it's different..." and that scares me..
how am i supposed to know. it seems the first time around that I was so afraid of facing someone different someone I'm so not used to, that i turned them away and disregarded them completely or so it seems in their eyes. but now in all of this, i swear I wish i could've taken it all back, but i guess i can't now.
i guess that's how things work right. everyone has their momentary lapses of misjudgment, and i was his momentary lapse. sadly.. but even if i were to have 'lived completely for the moment'.... would it have been really what we both wanted.
everything happens for a reason...
and i'm still learning..
and consequently.. i'm still completely and utterly distraught...
i'll still feel this way tonight, my heart will still ache for truth, and i'll still rise in the morning with a heart full of regret...
but mind keeps telling me to shut everything out...
I need God now more than ever.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Happy Easter, Happy Life
It's been a rough past month or so, on a road, on a different path, heading in a different direction and a new beginning....
Truthfully in all honesty, I haven't been handling this new change as best as i possibly can, but I have faith, on this new dawn of a new season with the ending of this Lent season, all will be alright. I've been struggling so hard to find a positive swing on all of this, I've been rather wreckless this past month, with all the up and down emotions with life, the change, the relationships.. I've been coping pretty badly... with all the sleepless nights, long chats with friends, emotional venting and excessive drinking, going out and smoking at the worst if it all... I'm feeling renewed tonight, maybe I'll still feel down and up and down from this day on, but at this point, this very point, I feel content, I don't regret anything that has happened within this past month or so... from all the relationships, all the drunken-ness, all the smoked cigarettes, all the pain and venting relieved, I'm glad it has all happened. I know that it won't be like this forever, I have the faith that I'll get through all of this, and I know this wasnt the best season for me to be all wreckless and different against the usual level headed me, but I know that it'll be for the best :)
God has so much in store for me and I'm ready to welcome it all in with open arms. I appreciate all the family, all the friends, all the long talks that I've been having, and for everyone who has been putting up with my confusing.. ooh soo confusing! conversations. Maybe i've been pretty off with communication lately, all of my friends know.... and to anyone new that I'm building new relations with, know that this isn't a permanent thing. I guess it's all the emotional brokeness going on, all the breaking and making and building a new... just have faith that i'm far more worth it if any...
It's crazy that i'm still up at 10 till 4 in the morning, i have yet to go church if anyone's down to drag me and help me break down completely :) it's been a long weekend. I've been neglecting everything important in life to get out my mini crisis of constant multiple breakdowns. And despite the fact that I know this isn't going to be like this forever, i am truly grateful that I am soo blessed to have such great unconditional friends in my life. The ones that tell you what you're doing wrong, but rollover and just let you make your own decisions, but still stick by your side when you constantly make the same mistakes lol. i know... i love you all...
God has been blessing me... and i know i have to pick up with my life and finally get things going right? I still have a lot to learn, a lot to change and alot to pursue... All the optimistic life changes, it's about time right?
Thank you God for this season in my life where i have to let go of the things that make me comfortable, break me down and build me up again. You are ooh so awesome...
Until the next time..... I pray i will rest easy tonight...
Truthfully in all honesty, I haven't been handling this new change as best as i possibly can, but I have faith, on this new dawn of a new season with the ending of this Lent season, all will be alright. I've been struggling so hard to find a positive swing on all of this, I've been rather wreckless this past month, with all the up and down emotions with life, the change, the relationships.. I've been coping pretty badly... with all the sleepless nights, long chats with friends, emotional venting and excessive drinking, going out and smoking at the worst if it all... I'm feeling renewed tonight, maybe I'll still feel down and up and down from this day on, but at this point, this very point, I feel content, I don't regret anything that has happened within this past month or so... from all the relationships, all the drunken-ness, all the smoked cigarettes, all the pain and venting relieved, I'm glad it has all happened. I know that it won't be like this forever, I have the faith that I'll get through all of this, and I know this wasnt the best season for me to be all wreckless and different against the usual level headed me, but I know that it'll be for the best :)
God has so much in store for me and I'm ready to welcome it all in with open arms. I appreciate all the family, all the friends, all the long talks that I've been having, and for everyone who has been putting up with my confusing.. ooh soo confusing! conversations. Maybe i've been pretty off with communication lately, all of my friends know.... and to anyone new that I'm building new relations with, know that this isn't a permanent thing. I guess it's all the emotional brokeness going on, all the breaking and making and building a new... just have faith that i'm far more worth it if any...
It's crazy that i'm still up at 10 till 4 in the morning, i have yet to go church if anyone's down to drag me and help me break down completely :) it's been a long weekend. I've been neglecting everything important in life to get out my mini crisis of constant multiple breakdowns. And despite the fact that I know this isn't going to be like this forever, i am truly grateful that I am soo blessed to have such great unconditional friends in my life. The ones that tell you what you're doing wrong, but rollover and just let you make your own decisions, but still stick by your side when you constantly make the same mistakes lol. i know... i love you all...
God has been blessing me... and i know i have to pick up with my life and finally get things going right? I still have a lot to learn, a lot to change and alot to pursue... All the optimistic life changes, it's about time right?
Thank you God for this season in my life where i have to let go of the things that make me comfortable, break me down and build me up again. You are ooh so awesome...
Until the next time..... I pray i will rest easy tonight...
Friday, April 10, 2009
Aquarious Daily Horoscope
With the sensitive Moon in your tenth house of public image and status, pressure starts to build. It is important for you to be clear in your communications with others, even if you feel like others will not agree with you. It is better to be considered a renegade than to be considered dishonest. Speak up for what you believe in. Today is the most sacred day in the Christian calendar, when the crucifixion of Christ is commemorated, but even those who are not religious will benefit from a few quiet moments of reflection on the way that life is renewed at this time of year by the suffusion of divine light into our lives. Read more on Good Friday. Favourable colours are dusky rose and antique silver. Lucky numbers are 1 and 3.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
the devils at play
foolish, foolish me,
for i thought i understood
have i been that far gone
that i had forgotten so well.
the thoughts, the feelings,
the hurt and pain,
all of which i strived so hard
to stay away from
i tell you, this is it,
the very epitome of everything i fear
all the feelings i surpress
all the feelings i hold in
why i walk and not run
why i do not voice out my feelings
why i just merely get by
on the words that you say
and linger forever on the meaning behind them.
how can i be more obvious,
how can i be more insecure
heartbroken and out there
why? why do i feel so gone
am i dead? am i dead inside finally?
too many heartbreaks have left me
abandoned me to suffer on my own
to stand on my own two feet
i resent you two feet that hold me up
just let me fall and never get back up again
cause then it would hurt far less
or not at all
for i was too afraid to be too upfront
and now that i do or when i thought i did
it's comes back to haunt me
how naive, how foolish you are my dear
for the words haunt me and pick at my mind
the sleepless hours of this world
and i am yet awake
awake lingering on everything thought
has it really been that long?!
am i really that sad over this?
something that hasn't even been that long
for something that only seemed temporary
is it because i'm so oblivious to feelings
or that i'm too afraid that someone may actually feel that way
what is it, that makes me so nervous
it's the heartbreak isn't it.
i swear i feel my heart breaking
hanging from a string, but the question is why
because to be soooo foolish and let someone feel that way
to be soo lost and caught up and then pull myself down
because my thoughts ate at me
or because there was no trust?
so much anger and resentment,
never have i felt so surpressed
for so long i haven't cried like this
yet i hold it all back,
what is it with this wreckless heart
why does it keep beating
why doesn't it just stop
stop beating cause there's really no use
please please stop beating.
please please let my mind rest.
please stop playing these games
this piece here is not a toy
for far too long
too many players
too many tricks
too many games
this piece is far too fragile to be playing this game.
no apologies.
no remorse
no feelings
i feel like simply a toy to you.
or is it all my insecurities that kill me.
the devil is out to get me tonight and for who knows how long.
another night i won't sleep till dawn.
for i thought i understood
have i been that far gone
that i had forgotten so well.
the thoughts, the feelings,
the hurt and pain,
all of which i strived so hard
to stay away from
i tell you, this is it,
the very epitome of everything i fear
all the feelings i surpress
all the feelings i hold in
why i walk and not run
why i do not voice out my feelings
why i just merely get by
on the words that you say
and linger forever on the meaning behind them.
how can i be more obvious,
how can i be more insecure
heartbroken and out there
why? why do i feel so gone
am i dead? am i dead inside finally?
too many heartbreaks have left me
abandoned me to suffer on my own
to stand on my own two feet
i resent you two feet that hold me up
just let me fall and never get back up again
cause then it would hurt far less
or not at all
for i was too afraid to be too upfront
and now that i do or when i thought i did
it's comes back to haunt me
how naive, how foolish you are my dear
for the words haunt me and pick at my mind
the sleepless hours of this world
and i am yet awake
awake lingering on everything thought
has it really been that long?!
am i really that sad over this?
something that hasn't even been that long
for something that only seemed temporary
is it because i'm so oblivious to feelings
or that i'm too afraid that someone may actually feel that way
what is it, that makes me so nervous
it's the heartbreak isn't it.
i swear i feel my heart breaking
hanging from a string, but the question is why
because to be soooo foolish and let someone feel that way
to be soo lost and caught up and then pull myself down
because my thoughts ate at me
or because there was no trust?
so much anger and resentment,
never have i felt so surpressed
for so long i haven't cried like this
yet i hold it all back,
what is it with this wreckless heart
why does it keep beating
why doesn't it just stop
stop beating cause there's really no use
please please stop beating.
please please let my mind rest.
please stop playing these games
this piece here is not a toy
for far too long
too many players
too many tricks
too many games
this piece is far too fragile to be playing this game.
no apologies.
no remorse
no feelings
i feel like simply a toy to you.
or is it all my insecurities that kill me.
the devil is out to get me tonight and for who knows how long.
another night i won't sleep till dawn.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Horoscope.
Sun Apr 5: Release Resentment
You could have an emotional breakthrough in an important relationship today; it may be painful and come at a high price, but it should be worth it. If you have been allowing past conditioning to interfere with your happiness, now is the time to change things. Be angry with who you are angry with and not someone who is simply a stand in. Release resentment and you will find freedom. For Christians, today is Palm Sunday, marking the beginning of Holy Week. Favourable colours are amethyst and cream. Lucky numbers are 16 and 27.
Right on cue. what's going on with my life.
You could have an emotional breakthrough in an important relationship today; it may be painful and come at a high price, but it should be worth it. If you have been allowing past conditioning to interfere with your happiness, now is the time to change things. Be angry with who you are angry with and not someone who is simply a stand in. Release resentment and you will find freedom. For Christians, today is Palm Sunday, marking the beginning of Holy Week. Favourable colours are amethyst and cream. Lucky numbers are 16 and 27.
Right on cue. what's going on with my life.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
OMFG April 2009 Tarotscope
Aquarius Tarotscope for April 2009
(Check your rising sign too, for a balanced forecast. Go to Tarotscopes)
This monthly Tarotscope is a reading of the Tarot cards as they relate to your Sun sign. The reading reveals the energies affecting your sign as they relate to romance and emotion, career, finances and the general tone of your being or soul in the month ahead.
Romance and Relationship
Five of Wands
Ooh! The games someone is playing with and around you right now are highly questionable. You are the target of manipulative, self-seeking nonsense. It would seem however, that you swiftly see through the charade and make some strong decisions in relation to it. The outcome involves you in celebrating a release, a freedom from a negative influence and a much more tranquil heart than you've had in a long time.
Career
Five of Cups
A partnership of some sort seems to have come to an empty end. But wait, there's salvage yet to be attained from the project or process that appears to have foundered. Look closely and clearly at what good you can redeem from the disappointment. With strength and calm you can rebuild that which was a good career idea on your own. The outcome will be excellent. A new beginning.
Finances
The Fool
Not the time to be taking financial risks Aquarius. You would find yourself tired, stressed and very precariously balanced. You may be having all sorts of high-flying fantasies about the positive possibilities that the risk you're tempted to take could bring about. All it would bring about is a great big tumble. Err on the side of caution, no matter how attractive the risk outcome might seem.
Focus of Soul or Being
Page of Cups
Because you're feeling particularly sensitive and vulnerable right now, you are tempted to throw caution to the wind and make willy-nilly decisions in the hope that you might feel strong again as a result. What you need now, Aquarius, is time: time to yourself, time to meditate and take stock of recent events and changes in your life, time to sit back and relax while you regenerate those creative juices of yours.
(Check your rising sign too, for a balanced forecast. Go to Tarotscopes)
This monthly Tarotscope is a reading of the Tarot cards as they relate to your Sun sign. The reading reveals the energies affecting your sign as they relate to romance and emotion, career, finances and the general tone of your being or soul in the month ahead.
Romance and Relationship
Five of Wands
Ooh! The games someone is playing with and around you right now are highly questionable. You are the target of manipulative, self-seeking nonsense. It would seem however, that you swiftly see through the charade and make some strong decisions in relation to it. The outcome involves you in celebrating a release, a freedom from a negative influence and a much more tranquil heart than you've had in a long time.
Career
Five of Cups
A partnership of some sort seems to have come to an empty end. But wait, there's salvage yet to be attained from the project or process that appears to have foundered. Look closely and clearly at what good you can redeem from the disappointment. With strength and calm you can rebuild that which was a good career idea on your own. The outcome will be excellent. A new beginning.
Finances
The Fool
Not the time to be taking financial risks Aquarius. You would find yourself tired, stressed and very precariously balanced. You may be having all sorts of high-flying fantasies about the positive possibilities that the risk you're tempted to take could bring about. All it would bring about is a great big tumble. Err on the side of caution, no matter how attractive the risk outcome might seem.
Focus of Soul or Being
Page of Cups
Because you're feeling particularly sensitive and vulnerable right now, you are tempted to throw caution to the wind and make willy-nilly decisions in the hope that you might feel strong again as a result. What you need now, Aquarius, is time: time to yourself, time to meditate and take stock of recent events and changes in your life, time to sit back and relax while you regenerate those creative juices of yours.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
For i looked in the mirror
and then simply turned away.
For i was confused with who i was.
For all the pain i saw within myself
all the heartache hidden concealed secretly
disguised in happiness, overridden with wrecklessness
who have i become?
where have i gone?
who am i really?
so tired and exhausted with these thoughts
i find myself pushing away the emotions
i feel myself holding back the tears
i try my hardest to rid any of these thoughts
to fill my days with distractions
and yet i'm always left alone, trapped
trapped within these walls,
these four walls that control me
hold me in and hold me down
these walls that do nothing but choke me
i feel like i'm dying inside.
my being, my soul, my life.
i've experience physical near death
but this mental experience is much more deadly i feel.
will i get over this
or i fear is this a never ending cycle
shall i resent myself for the rest of my life
and live with this regret holding me back
or will i simply rise in the morning
and feel nothing
and start all over again
what is this that is happening to me
what is this that i feel
for i am broken
and only you know that
but only God does what is done to those who can handle it
and only those who are burdened are the most blessed.
Lord forgive me. for i have strayed far from you, and myself.
Losing Myself : Dead and Gone?
I have no idea what's been going through my head. But lately things haven't been going quite well with me. So many thoughts, such an emotional wreck i would believe. I tend to conceal things quite nicely, keeping them surpressed within this nice glass box of mine; all in which you see all these random crazy thoughts, all in which contradict. You'd see such things as love, desire, hate, need, wants, sadness, confusion, strife, disappointment... There are just far too many things that are going within my mind and at such a rapid speed I might add. I usually do pretty well with functioning when it comes to getting my thoughts out on paper, or digitally down, but when it comes to speaking it right as it occurs, i guess i choke. My brain doesn't function that well with the two... but anyways. I've been so out of it lately. Trying so hard to keep distracted and do whatever it takes to get my mind off of things, but it seems my mind seems to be conquering and winning over everything else; especially my heart.
Anyone who knows me knows that i can be very strong headed and at the same time oooh so very stubborn. Knowing the truth doesn't necessarily stop me from doing what's right or wrong. It's pretty crazy. You would think I would be able to balance this type of thing, but I can't. Maybe I am fufilling this now need, or maybe i have no clue what I want to do in life and all these distractions are just throwing me more and more off track, or maybe i'm tired of living.
I'm not saying i'm contemplating suicide or anything, but maybe I'm just fed up with the process. I want to change so much but change doesn't come that easily. I've always been known for being a strong girl, but right now I feel eternally and horribly weak. I feel like i've lost myself so much recently; and now I can't even tell which is me or isn't. It's as if I set apart this view of myself, which is the girl who has morals and standards, and yet the other side of me just disregards it and wants to do something different for a change. BUT YET i'm so lost. My subconscious just drives me crazy. I have no idea what's going on right now, I'd like to say I want to get everything under control, and i'm trying to, but at the same time I feel like i want that sense of chaos, but i don't. I don't know, maybe i am slightly bipolar in a sense where I want two totally different things at the same time. I know it's crazy, but I'm losing myself day by day by day.
So God help me, my brain is too frustrated to continue this. good night.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Inevitable Transitions
It's March 23rd, it's been about three weeks since I've made a life changing decision. One in which I chose to sacrifice something, and despite all the pain and heartache it took; i'm finally here. The place in which i've been waiting for for so long. This isn't because of him, but this is because I needed this time for myself for the longest time. I've been contemplating such change for so long and I've been neglecting my thoughts for far too long, i was too afraid to be selfish. I was too focused on satisfying everyone else's needs that I lost myself in the making.
Every relationship with any person you encounter in life has some kind of meaning. Whether you meet them for a season, a day, a moment or what not... everything is scoped out from this inevitable plan. Never once have I had the courage to do something like this for myself, and to actually draw away from what seemed like the natural right flow of things. I had to do this, I was losing myself and changing into someone I couldn't stand seeing everyday.
These past few weeks have given me a chance to breath and actually think about things, and see everything from a brand new perspective. I know it took alot to get here, and some of these sacrifices had to include hurting others, but in the long run I know it's the best for all of us.
Although I'm still learning and yet a lot confused on what's going on in my life, I feel blessed and this great sense of relief that I can finally see things in a different light, set aside from the clouded thoughts of yesterday. I know I still have a lot to learn and this road will not be easy, but with every door has some kind of new opportunity right :) I feel God has so much in store, and I'm soooo excited for him to reveal these things to me! Lord stay with me, I know i've strayed far once again, but I'm willing to make this sacrifice, to get back on track and get it right.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Revelations and Books :)
I had dinner with a really good friend today. It's funny cause the people you meet in your life really are put there for a reason. You see I met this friend through an ex boyfriend, and i thought of course as usual as other friends of boyfriends, that they will be merely just that, you won't think that you'll hang out with them or they'll genuinely be your friends as is, but God does do everything for a reason. and I gotta say I'm fortunate for this friend. Lol just had to put that out their as random jumble, cause it came to my head before i get started on my other jumbling...
But yeah, so we shared a conversation from fear of needles which initiated, not sure how? lol but it then continued on to sharing my surviving of cancer story, which till today still even surprises me just as much as it does the person listening. It's been about 7 years i guess, it was September 2002, and my gosh it seems like a dream to me honestly. My friend and I spoke of it being so unreal and the thought that in reality I wouldn't have been here today, talking about. But thank goodness I'm alive right? And the thought of it possibly being a mistake, being diagnosed with cancer or not, everything happens for a reason. And to tell you the truth a part of me is very thankful it did. I have had a lot of things in my life discipline me but I feel there is nothing stronger than a Life threatening situation. And this was mine.
And i gotta admit, it initially didn't truly hit me on how much of an impact this would be in my life. I survived, I accepted it and I moved on. I know i probably should be spreading the good news a whole lot more than i have or ever did. But I told myself I'd want to write a book or a testimony to this. But It truly just hit me that it wasn't so much the Life threatening situation that just turned me around. Believe me it took awhile before I started to change my life around. Honestly I think i just went back into the groove of life. I mean, I was still in Highschool I truly still didnt know any better.
I realize this sounds foolish on the person reading this' behalf, but truthfully I didn't feel absolutely changed. Like it wasn't a life changing event at that point just yet. I mean I realized I survived, and yet somehow I knew that I was meant to survive, because I remember I wasn't all that afraid going through this life changing event. What's even more interesting is that, at this point in life, when you're given this situation where quite honestly you could've possibly lived or died, simple as that; I did not yet really know God and his son Jesus Christ.
It wasn't till later on that I came to know him. Baptized Catholic and yet raised with no religious or catholic discipline, I've always had this hunger and thirst to know more about life, besides just existing. I wanted to understand everything, especially being surrounded with such unfortunate events in life, I had to have some kind of closure that I was made for more than this.
So although this Cancer opened my eyes, it wasn't till later that I had a life changing revelation. And i have to tell you I've been convicted ever since. Although alot of times I feel this will always be a reminder of what is, I know that he'll always be by my side, as they say, God will never throw anything in which you can't handle. Bound for greatness, I feel so blessed to be alive today. And although I may not be living the worst life, or the best Christian life, i know that I still can change it and at least this time I know.
I'm so happy about this :)
and yes I still want to write a book. hehe God will help me with the time and words.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
erratic depression returns
its been 5 hours already
and i can already feel the emptiness consume my heart
and the doubt rise with no question
for something i thought i longed so long for
i am filled with hurt and pain
i want to cry but I'm in fear I'll break too soon.
How does one even begin to imagine this hole, this emptiness
as i secretly cry myself to sleep
the days will be the hardest when i'll think of you
the option is gone and already I'm scared
Longing to call you and hold you again
how foolish was I? how totally unfair.
But I must be strong now
while the tears blind me with pain
tis far better to cry now, then to be waiting in vain.
this heartache i'm feeling... Make it go away
Cause fairness and goodness was all I was trying for today.
As I feel like my heart has been stolen and crushed
Yet the guilty is I now, and the victum is us.
For why does it feel so wrong
when i could almost swear to God that it's right
This isn't even the first night yet,
this is the simpler of fights.
I wonder what you're thinking
if you hate me so still.
cause my heart is still breaking
and i won't rest yet until,
i know that you're resting
your heart and your head
set aside from the pain and worry
and the thoughts that you'll dread
because i love you my dear darling,
more than words can all say
but i swore we were three years in the making
but a year and a half so far away
so we've made our mistakes
and now we're paying for what we lacked in once before
but God only knows i'm still praying
that some new found revelation
will soon arrive at your door
because you have a strong heart,
so open to love,
but we lacked in an area,
that could be very vital to love
it's strange
cause i still feel very selfish is all
the hearts already wandering
aching for that call
the one that says "it's ok,
i love you so much still"
to throw away all the heartache
like a day after pill
but i must not be foolish
i need to be much stronger now
but how do i even begin to do something
i never ever envisioned how
So God please be with me,
cause it's happening again...
help me be stronger in faith
all i need is that friend
so hold my hand as i wander
aimlessly about...
my heart is yours for the taking
its time i take the other route.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
twenty three
My goodness. I turn 23 this tuesday! and what do i have to show for it sadly :/
It's interesting... as i'm about to turn twenty three, i realize that there are soo many new updates going on in my friends... so many babies being born, people being pregnant, people getting married! am i missing something here? or should i feel good that i'm not a part of that crowd. turning 23 and i still think it's too early for myself to be even considering babies let along marriage.
I dunno about anyone else, but i am very hardcore about the thought of marriage and who's going to be my one and only. it's very difficult to know who that is going to be. finally getting back into the groove of going to church and trying to stay focused, let along find a career, a job and any other life long whatever skills people think are required for this life time and to get by.
As if i've just been getting by lately. I'm doing my fill of work, again something that just seems easy i guess. I've been doing my fill, but everyone else seems to be carrying a much heavier load then i. what is that. but then again there's the thought i always have in my head, that i'm only going to be around for so long, it's not being pessimistic, it's being open minded and realistic. I miss my friends, i miss getting daily updates, i miss being involved, but idk. I'm just sooo not there. Be it that it may because I live further away for everyone, or that i still don't drive. It's still one of those things, i mean by all means i could have both options and still decide not to be involved, whatever. I don't know really.
But so much is going on. So much change is happening. and still I am beat with recurring thoughts of what is and what can't be. another bedridden weekend, because of pain, because of unusual pain probably attached to the thought of my past occurences. it's crazy it is. but i feel like i'll be stuck here one day and suddenly not. existing and then not existing. granted, i seriously don't know what i want in life anymore, with relationships and life and what not, the only thing solid right now is family. and even then i feel that is slowly fading away.
The only person i can rely on is God and we all know how that works. God is always there, but he can't alwayssss be there. if you know what i mean.
it's gonna happen soon, life comes at you real fast. and i'm not sure what to do.
so help me god. guide me.
Friday, January 2, 2009
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