3 at night captures.

i was gonna tap out at 12 tonight, my body was ready. but i guess i decided to let my insecure mind capture me instead...

oh woe is me, for i dare not share what is in my heart in fear of losing myself. For why are we woman so vulnerable, so emotional. so targeted...

for my mind couldn't rest tonight and i just couldn't dare to not record my thoughts.
for they spilled out like water overflowing from an endless faucet of supressed emotions. this is me.

so why is it that i'm feeling this tonight. hypothetically she said.. "why am i not good enough..." why is it that everything has to matter. why do we worry about being perfect. or at the very least their idea of perfect. why do we muster up these feelings of jealousy and saddness for no reason whatsoever but to bring ourselves down.

oh you don' t know how i feel. you don't know what i think. you can't imagine the things i lead myself to believe. All because i let you pull me down, way down. Beyond your reach, further than you could ever expect of me.

Or could you, could you dear stranger. With your high expectations and your shallow needs. This hypothetical stranger, you pull me down. Why is there a need for us to be perfect, to fit the physical ideal of your perfect dream girl.

From the hair to the eyes, the lips, to the legs, to the body to the everything... everything i swear. these insecurities i feel. how can i ever feel beautiful. how will i ever feel safe. how will i ever move on.

you don't understand what damage you strangers can do. oh you don't know me. you know nothing but the visual exterior of this body. you know nothing of what lies within which to some may make me even more beautiful than before, because why. because to you, this is standard. when standards are just physical and cut off from the connection to personality and mere connection between two human beings.

why do i feel this way tonight? i don't know. maybe i've just come to a realization. maybe i have been let down by love. maybe i feel insecure and pegged for the worst. who am i to know what runs through your mind strangers.

what is it. does all of this really matter, the physicalities of a woman. does it all matter, does it add or minus from the connection or the feelings that were felt. if it is true, then why bother at all. just judge upon that if you will use that as a downfall.

what is all of this. as i ramble on and on about nothing and everything. struck down and i am out. out of it all. such prince charmings do not exist, but mere temporary charmers out to get you. out to find temporary happiness. and then keep you at a distance. a just in case type of thing.

oh i am lost in this sea of thoughts and emptiness. it actually sickens me to read the book i started awhile ago, cause i cannot swallow the words i read. word for word and i feel terrible, disgusted, unworthy.

to be apart of a world that isn't your own. i give it up. cause everything is a dream and it would all hurt too much.