For i looked in the mirror

and then simply turned away.

For i was confused with who i was.

For all the pain i saw within myself

all the heartache hidden concealed secretly

disguised in happiness, overridden with wrecklessness

who have i become?

where have i gone?

who am i really?

so tired and exhausted with these thoughts

i find myself pushing away the emotions

i feel myself holding back the tears

i try my hardest to rid any of these thoughts

to fill my days with distractions

and yet i'm always left alone, trapped

trapped within these walls, 

these four walls that control me

hold me in and hold me down

these walls that do nothing but choke me

i feel like i'm dying inside. 

my being, my soul, my life.

i've experience physical near death

but this mental experience is much more deadly i feel.

will i get over this

or i fear is this a never ending cycle

shall i resent myself for the rest of my life

and live with this regret holding me back

or will i simply rise in the morning

and feel nothing

and start all over again

what is this that is happening to me

what is this that i feel

for i am broken

and only you know that

but only God does what is done to those who can handle it

and only those who are burdened are the most blessed.

Lord forgive me. for i have strayed far from you, and myself.

Losing Myself : Dead and Gone?

I have no idea what's been going through my head. But lately things haven't been going quite well with me. So many thoughts, such an emotional wreck i would believe. I tend to conceal things quite nicely, keeping them surpressed within this nice glass box of mine; all in which you see all these random crazy thoughts, all in which contradict. You'd see such things as love, desire, hate, need, wants, sadness, confusion, strife, disappointment... There are just far too many things that are going within my mind and at such a rapid speed I might add. I usually do pretty well with functioning when it comes to getting my thoughts out on paper, or digitally down, but when it comes to speaking it right as it occurs, i guess i choke. My brain doesn't function that well with the two... but anyways. I've been so out of it lately. Trying so hard to keep distracted and do whatever it takes to get my mind off of things, but it seems my mind seems to be conquering and winning over everything else; especially my heart. 

Anyone who knows me knows that i can be very strong headed and at the same time oooh so very stubborn. Knowing the truth doesn't necessarily stop me from doing what's right or wrong. It's pretty crazy. You would think I would be able to balance this type of thing, but I can't. Maybe I am fufilling this now need, or maybe i have no clue what I want to do in life and all these distractions are just throwing me more and more off track, or maybe i'm tired of living. 

I'm not saying i'm contemplating suicide or anything, but maybe I'm just fed up with the process. I want to change so much but change doesn't come that easily. I've always been known for being a strong girl, but right now I feel eternally and horribly weak. I feel like i've lost myself so much recently; and now I can't even tell which is me or isn't. It's as if I set apart this view of myself, which is the girl who has morals and standards, and yet the other side of me just disregards it and wants to do something different for a change. BUT YET i'm so lost. My subconscious just drives me crazy. I have no idea what's going on right now, I'd like to say I want to get everything under control, and i'm trying to, but at the same time I feel like i want that sense of chaos, but i don't. I don't know, maybe i am slightly bipolar in a sense where I want two totally different things at the same time. I know it's crazy, but I'm losing myself day by day by day.

So God help me, my brain is too frustrated to continue this. good night.

Inevitable Transitions

It's March 23rd, it's been about three weeks since I've made a life changing decision. One in which I chose to sacrifice something, and despite all the pain and heartache it took; i'm finally here. The place in which i've been waiting for for so long. This isn't because of him, but this is because I needed this time for myself for the longest time. I've been contemplating such change for so long and I've been neglecting my thoughts for far too long, i was too afraid to be selfish. I was too focused on satisfying everyone else's needs that I lost myself in the making. 

Every relationship with any person you encounter in life has some kind of meaning. Whether you meet them for a season, a day, a moment or what not... everything is scoped out from this inevitable plan. Never once have I had the courage to do something like this for myself, and to actually draw away from what seemed like the natural right flow of things. I had to do this, I was losing myself and changing into someone I couldn't stand seeing everyday.

These past few weeks have given me a chance to breath and actually think about things, and see everything from a brand new perspective.  I know it took alot to get here, and some of these sacrifices had to include hurting others, but in the long run I know it's the best for all of us. 

Although I'm still learning and yet a lot confused on what's going on in my life, I feel blessed and this great sense of relief that I can finally see things in a different light, set aside from the clouded thoughts of yesterday. I know I still have a lot to learn and this road will not be easy, but with every door has some kind of new opportunity right :) I feel God has so much in store, and I'm soooo excited for him to reveal these things to me! Lord stay with me, I know i've strayed far once again, but I'm willing to make this sacrifice, to get back on track and get it right.