Losing Myself : Dead and Gone?

I have no idea what's been going through my head. But lately things haven't been going quite well with me. So many thoughts, such an emotional wreck i would believe. I tend to conceal things quite nicely, keeping them surpressed within this nice glass box of mine; all in which you see all these random crazy thoughts, all in which contradict. You'd see such things as love, desire, hate, need, wants, sadness, confusion, strife, disappointment... There are just far too many things that are going within my mind and at such a rapid speed I might add. I usually do pretty well with functioning when it comes to getting my thoughts out on paper, or digitally down, but when it comes to speaking it right as it occurs, i guess i choke. My brain doesn't function that well with the two... but anyways. I've been so out of it lately. Trying so hard to keep distracted and do whatever it takes to get my mind off of things, but it seems my mind seems to be conquering and winning over everything else; especially my heart. 

Anyone who knows me knows that i can be very strong headed and at the same time oooh so very stubborn. Knowing the truth doesn't necessarily stop me from doing what's right or wrong. It's pretty crazy. You would think I would be able to balance this type of thing, but I can't. Maybe I am fufilling this now need, or maybe i have no clue what I want to do in life and all these distractions are just throwing me more and more off track, or maybe i'm tired of living. 

I'm not saying i'm contemplating suicide or anything, but maybe I'm just fed up with the process. I want to change so much but change doesn't come that easily. I've always been known for being a strong girl, but right now I feel eternally and horribly weak. I feel like i've lost myself so much recently; and now I can't even tell which is me or isn't. It's as if I set apart this view of myself, which is the girl who has morals and standards, and yet the other side of me just disregards it and wants to do something different for a change. BUT YET i'm so lost. My subconscious just drives me crazy. I have no idea what's going on right now, I'd like to say I want to get everything under control, and i'm trying to, but at the same time I feel like i want that sense of chaos, but i don't. I don't know, maybe i am slightly bipolar in a sense where I want two totally different things at the same time. I know it's crazy, but I'm losing myself day by day by day.

So God help me, my brain is too frustrated to continue this. good night.