D > Disappointment, Dissociate, inDifference.

So lately i've been feeling very on and off. So much stuff has been going on in my head mentally and so much going on with my body physically. I've thought about it once or twice. the reality of the recurring cancer, and the realistic statistic that ovarian cancer is one of the most likely in recurring. I have even recently read articles on it recurring, awakening better yet, even after 10 years. This year September 2009 will date it as 7 years survived i guess. But reading the words that a Doctor avoids saying "You are cured" because the actuality of it all is that you are never really cured. Sometimes it's just asleep. There is always that possibility that it will return. And I wonder. with all the changes, the differences I've noticed in my health and the physical and i worry. For the past few years, maybe since 2006 or 2007 my health has elevated to a negative... lol does that make sense. a negative thing... it has become more and more frequent, of feeling fatigued, sick, random and sporadic pains and worries. And more and more different things being wrong, and because for the last few years it has become a normal thing for me, but elevating... i never really think to compare to before. I remember when i first got sick, yes i was down and out, yes I was physically down, but after awhile i was still ok, but now it seems like these little chronic health complications are just holding me back more and more. What am i supposed to think, how am i supposed to feel? I've been MIA from life because of this and people worry. And i'm jealous of everyone who is able to live their normal lives, with their guilt free healthiness! :/ ugggh. I know, i'm not trying to spite everyone else who isn't experiencing this, but at the same time.. i am a bit. It's hard living this way. Yes it's moderately normal, but i'm sure you don't have second thoughts about the things that you feel, the pain you endure, the emotions you encounter. You don't understand how it is to have survived, and still lived, but yet.. still dying. Everytime i think of all of this, i think of Johnny Lang's Dying to live... he states, why are we dying to live, if were just living to die. Sometimes I take that into consideration with my life. Everything is IRATIK right, who know's what tomorrow will bring. Yes you can say it's bad, but would it be fair to be cut off as well, after working so hard. It's like what are we working so hard for. It sucks i tell you that alot of times the world revolves around money, everything revolves around money.. living revolves around it. You'd think we'd be alot happier. But who knows right.

It's been so long, sometimes I swear I don't know what normal is anymore, all i have to accept is that this is MY NORMAL. and how is that fair? That what i'm encountering everyday holds me back, that i can't enjoy the beautiful things in life, because i'm always too afraid of something just merely ruining it. Maybe you'll just say I'm living in fear, but until you've been in my shoes. Then you tell me what's good. Cause quite frankly I don't know anymore.

I would love to be able to do certain things, but I swear that this iratik health complication... though minor i'd rate it.. would most definately be different for a normal person. My pain i swear, the pain levels, i endure, to a normal person, probably couldn't endure, but because I am so used to pain, I am not sure if my 6 is a 8 to you, or a 3 is a 5...

My life is full of dreams, I've been told to have so much potential. I love my life, i love living, I love the things of this world. and the happiness. the option to be happy.

But lately i feel i have been falling short. I realize that in the last few jobs I have also had, my health has withered a bit, and i have become somewhat sketchy and unreliable... i wasn't always like this, i had more strength, even after the chemo. i was stronger, i did a lot of things, even with my social life, i was out there more, i lived, and i wasn't afraid, but i guess it's true what they say, even if you've survived cancer, and you were strong and resilient inititally, chances are, the second time around you might not be able to cut it as much as you did the first.

When i found out i had cancer in 2002, i was surprised, after undergoing surgery, they had overlooked the mass and had said it was benign (non-cancerous) but a short while after they had diagnosed me with cancer, and i took it pretty well considering i had just been told i had cancer. funny thing is that all i was worried about at the moment was being able to graduate, missing 2 months of schooling.. that and the wonder of whether i'd ever have children.

They told me i would, but sometimes i still wonder. They say ovarian cancer is the most likely to recur in cancer patients, and if it were to recur in the same place, so god help me, i can't not have children.

So many thoughts, so many changes, so much has been going on within me. Despite the fact that I go nowhere and practically dissociate myself from everyone and am totally indifferent to the world and my responsibilities sometimes.. there has been alot going on. and at the age of 23, i am quite disappointed in myself , and the fact that i am held back by emotional relations, all in which i wonder could be attached to the physical. But despite everything, i am happy.

i guess i'll never reall know.