Day by Day

"She came home smelling like cigarettes, another night deep stench of tini breath.... whooooa oh oh oh.."

the anthem for the past 2 months practically.

what is this fixation with finding happiness. haaaaa. it's normal right. this constant feeling of wanting to find something pure, something permanent something far more reassuring than a temporary squeeze, a quick fix, a puff smoke or a momentary adrenaline rush...

i want so much more in life, i want to find pure happiness, i want to find something, maybe even someone if possible to fill my days with reassurance and happiness, something or someone where i will have no doubts, i will build no walls, all my troubles will be gone for once in my life and for once int he longest time i'll be able to crack an actual, legit, honest to God smile, knowing in the back of my head that this is something that will have meaning, something that won't just last for the moment of now...

I want something far much more than that.

Sadly i feel like i've been settling, i have actually... building up these walls to protect myself, only to realize that i was shutting out a good thing, but whyyy? only to protect myself from the evils of what this possible good thing can bring forth, and shutting out the good things this thing could offer. Maybe it's done, maybe it's completely gone and over the moment of what really is, maybe I made the biggest mistakes these past few days or couple months.. i don't know. But i know that I'll always want more...

Sadly to the say the least, I feel like maybe I am the way I am because I have lost so much faith in love, in trust, in finding a friendship that will be so much more than that, and in finding the love of your life and a spouse who will be truly faithful and see only you. I want so much to have all of that... but it's all so distant. Is it because of all of these crazy walls that build up around me, that create this maze... that for anyone who tries to pursue me will just get utterly lost in all of my translation, because now none of the walls i build make sense, not to them and no to me either. God help me because I can't seem to get on my two feet. I can't distinguish good from evil if there is any.

But i've realized if you continue to be so guarded, you shut out all the good things in your life and could possibly be losing out on the one thing that could've been the best thing ever to you.

have i done that. could this have been that one good thing. she had told me, with a confused yet, disturbed face... "this one was different.. omg... don't tell me he could've possibly be the one... because it's different..." and that scares me..

how am i supposed to know. it seems the first time around that I was so afraid of facing someone different someone I'm so not used to, that i turned them away and disregarded them completely or so it seems in their eyes. but now in all of this, i swear I wish i could've taken it all back, but i guess i can't now.

i guess that's how things work right. everyone has their momentary lapses of misjudgment, and i was his momentary lapse. sadly.. but even if i were to have 'lived completely for the moment'.... would it have been really what we both wanted.

everything happens for a reason...

and i'm still learning..

and consequently.. i'm still completely and utterly distraught...

i'll still feel this way tonight, my heart will still ache for truth, and i'll still rise in the morning with a heart full of regret...

but mind keeps telling me to shut everything out...

I need God now more than ever.