twenty three

My goodness. I turn 23 this tuesday! and what do i have to show for it sadly :/ 

It's interesting... as i'm about to turn twenty three, i realize that there are soo many new updates going on in my friends... so many babies being born, people being pregnant, people getting married! am i missing something here? or should i feel good that i'm not a part of that crowd. turning 23 and i still think it's too early for myself to be even considering babies let along marriage. 

I dunno about anyone else, but i am very hardcore about the thought of marriage and who's going to be my one and only. it's very difficult to know who that is going to be. finally getting back into the groove of going to church and trying to stay focused, let along find  a career, a job and any other life long whatever skills people think are required for this life time and to get by. 

As if i've just been getting by lately. I'm doing my fill of work, again something that just seems easy i guess. I've been doing my fill, but everyone else seems to be carrying a much heavier load then i. what is that. but then again there's the thought i always have in my head, that i'm only going to be around for so long, it's not being pessimistic, it's being open minded and realistic. I miss my friends, i miss getting daily updates, i miss being involved, but idk. I'm just sooo not there. Be it that it may because I live further away for everyone, or that i still don't drive. It's still one of those things, i mean by all means i could have both options and still decide not to be involved, whatever. I don't know really.

But so much is going on. So much change is happening. and still I am beat with recurring thoughts of what is and what can't be. another bedridden weekend, because of pain, because of unusual pain probably attached to the thought of my past occurences. it's crazy it is. but i feel like i'll be stuck here one day and suddenly not. existing and then not existing. granted, i seriously don't know what i want in life anymore, with relationships and life and what not, the only thing solid right now is family. and even then i feel that is slowly fading away.

The only person i can rely on is God and we all know how that works. God is always there, but he can't alwayssss be there. if you know what i mean.

it's gonna happen soon, life comes at you real fast. and i'm not sure what to do.

so help me god. guide me.