So easy it is to change your outer appearance and deceive others that you are okay, while in the meanwhile, on the inside you are purely still the same, the same you have been for years, still damaged, still bruised and still desperately waiting to heal.
It is truly difficult to shake off bad habits, and although they may not seem as bad habits, these are the things that make you unhappy truly. I guess after so long I've become numb to it, and hypocritical as I speak to others of what should be done and what I am not doing myself.
I have had so many dreams, so many things in store, but too lazy, too afraid to pursue and kick myself into gear to move forward enough. Although I know i have all this potential in the world, I need someone, I need something far more inspirational enough to keep me going. But i'm far from anything that way, and it saddens me. I love life, or so I'd love to believe, but I guess things aren't swinging as nicely as I'd like.
How I'd love to get out of here and live my dreams, or how i'd love to actually find real happiness, not just settling for what I think leaves me content, when in reality i'm always doubting myself.
How i'd love to renew my health, in which although I can control, only God knows how much I can. And if in reality, your emotional health is attached to your physical health, then i've been doing so much damage to myself. With this bipolar attitude to find happiness. Or am I looking when it's right there? Truly i doubt that, but being far from God doesn't help it at all either.
Far from love and any thought of mere future commitments, I dread the thought of children and Marriage. Although I Love the feeling and the beautiful thoughts, I fear I have far too much to deal with and I dread the thought of another burden. Yes it seems rather pessimistic of me, but it is the truth.
Tis the same reasons that hold me back from far so many things, that I can't decide whether to pursue these things or not, only those really close to me understand how held back I feel, and only God truly knows my thoughts there, and yet I feel I always hide things from others who think I am far too sheltered, for once upon a time that was the tell tale of my life, but from now on it is far different from that. My life limitations are merely in fear of shame and embarassment of being held back when i knew to begin with.
It is all far too complicated, for one to comprehend unless you are truly open to understand how I feel, and not feed me bullshit on how this can be so much better, because you don't know how I feel or the things I go through in life. But all along, God had put those barricades there for a reason right? To jump over, making life more difficult and less simple then those to others who are just given everything on a silver platter, enjoying life with no regrets, no worries and no fears. My life is an example, an example I have yet to understand, but I guess I never ever want to explain myself to anyone.
I know i know that there are others who have far more to worry about, hence the reason why my stories are only limited.
I wanted to live, but I want to limit my living. I have my beliefs, and I have my doubts.
Although I want so much change for 2009, i fear i can only live so far.
-IRATIK™
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