Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
i ♥ Jam Sessions...
A night at Bellows Beach with a few beers, friends, cold weather, a guitar and a lame alicia cover lol.
Sitting, waiting, wishing...
i need a day to get away and sit and think and discover.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Purpose Driven
i would hand write this vent, but then it wouldn't serve it's purpose.
So I realized as my heart broken multiples times in the last few months, that i had been selfish. But not in the selfish type that i wanted to serve as my purpose of freedom in discovering myself. I realized how i had been so selfish to had let myself be heartbroken multiple times. I will limit what i say to protect my thoughts, as my sister says, to practice being as discreet as possible. But i guess this blog is to push truth to what i've been feeling and what i've been discovering. It has only been a few days since this has hit me, cause foolishly my heart was again ripped apart. And for what purpose? none really. "Don't put your heart out there" someone had once told me.. and i thought to myself. how can you not? but at the same time. i think to myself now.. "why the fuck did i do that.." and as other friends had said "you knew what you were getting yourself into" said the one who barely even knows me... "you knew what you were doing.." said a good friend. as others said "who am i to judge.." with all the multiple perspectives i got for this, i had lost myself and had lost good sense and had fallen over the edge and had transformed into a foolish bias person who had dropped my morals completely, for the sake of what? "chance" and chance of what... to get slaughtered in the making... and all for what? what purpose did i serve, what importance was this? what good came out of this?
i try to look at everything saying that everything holds it's purpose. Yes i got hurt, yes i was stupid, yes i was foolish, yes i was hurting myself and others. i don't know what to say, but "shame on me". As i dare to do the unthinkable, i shall hold my tongue.. cause what.. as in the bible "a wise man holds his tongue, while a foolish man... something something" i forget. but the point is, to not tell all. and God and everyone knows how bad I have always been with that. But i tell you this, this may have been a foolish experience, but it has proven so many things, all my assumptions were true, all my expectations were true sadly. Everything i had envisioned could possibly be, was. And why... was it cause i wanted to teach myself something, to tell myself how deserving i am of so much better? to experience the harsh reality of evil beings of this earth. how horrible it is to come across this, and to feel such pity for those who are less fortunate who are not aware of all the signs, who fall hopelessly for this, or to those who are like me and wish so much for the better and to see the best in a situation. what is this?
i say to you, i still do not know. how foolish was i. i know i know. you can talk all you want about my bad decisions, but i know what was going on .. as a friend told me.. "you're gonna do what you wanna do" and i knew that. how would i have known better. to experience this first hand. no one can ever learn something as good as to experience it but first hand. granted i do not give credit to those who purposely inflict such pain on others as selfishly as they are and so self absorbed. but i have learned not only this much about myself ,but experienced all of this to hopefully forsee and know better, but i realize that this does totally suck. to think that.. we get punished for hoping for the better in someone, hoping that this person isn't what they seemed to be, but are so much better then they are.
HOPE
why does that word just pull you, but yet it has that downside and that ability to pull you down sooo low. God help me i'm learning. it is only when we face these actually mistakes, these experiences, do we then know better, but it still isn't fair. in this sense and to also think.. the learning of knowing what i do deserve, and at the same time feeling so sadly and badly about it knowing that.. there is actually someone who will treat you the way you deserve, love you the way you should be, unconditionally.. and giving you the attention and time you desire. all of this. and over those who don't give you the time of day because truth be told. they only give to receive and then leave.
God help me. i hate burning bridges. and i pray that that person knows this.
time.
So I realized as my heart broken multiples times in the last few months, that i had been selfish. But not in the selfish type that i wanted to serve as my purpose of freedom in discovering myself. I realized how i had been so selfish to had let myself be heartbroken multiple times. I will limit what i say to protect my thoughts, as my sister says, to practice being as discreet as possible. But i guess this blog is to push truth to what i've been feeling and what i've been discovering. It has only been a few days since this has hit me, cause foolishly my heart was again ripped apart. And for what purpose? none really. "Don't put your heart out there" someone had once told me.. and i thought to myself. how can you not? but at the same time. i think to myself now.. "why the fuck did i do that.." and as other friends had said "you knew what you were getting yourself into" said the one who barely even knows me... "you knew what you were doing.." said a good friend. as others said "who am i to judge.." with all the multiple perspectives i got for this, i had lost myself and had lost good sense and had fallen over the edge and had transformed into a foolish bias person who had dropped my morals completely, for the sake of what? "chance" and chance of what... to get slaughtered in the making... and all for what? what purpose did i serve, what importance was this? what good came out of this?
i try to look at everything saying that everything holds it's purpose. Yes i got hurt, yes i was stupid, yes i was foolish, yes i was hurting myself and others. i don't know what to say, but "shame on me". As i dare to do the unthinkable, i shall hold my tongue.. cause what.. as in the bible "a wise man holds his tongue, while a foolish man... something something" i forget. but the point is, to not tell all. and God and everyone knows how bad I have always been with that. But i tell you this, this may have been a foolish experience, but it has proven so many things, all my assumptions were true, all my expectations were true sadly. Everything i had envisioned could possibly be, was. And why... was it cause i wanted to teach myself something, to tell myself how deserving i am of so much better? to experience the harsh reality of evil beings of this earth. how horrible it is to come across this, and to feel such pity for those who are less fortunate who are not aware of all the signs, who fall hopelessly for this, or to those who are like me and wish so much for the better and to see the best in a situation. what is this?
i say to you, i still do not know. how foolish was i. i know i know. you can talk all you want about my bad decisions, but i know what was going on .. as a friend told me.. "you're gonna do what you wanna do" and i knew that. how would i have known better. to experience this first hand. no one can ever learn something as good as to experience it but first hand. granted i do not give credit to those who purposely inflict such pain on others as selfishly as they are and so self absorbed. but i have learned not only this much about myself ,but experienced all of this to hopefully forsee and know better, but i realize that this does totally suck. to think that.. we get punished for hoping for the better in someone, hoping that this person isn't what they seemed to be, but are so much better then they are.
HOPE
why does that word just pull you, but yet it has that downside and that ability to pull you down sooo low. God help me i'm learning. it is only when we face these actually mistakes, these experiences, do we then know better, but it still isn't fair. in this sense and to also think.. the learning of knowing what i do deserve, and at the same time feeling so sadly and badly about it knowing that.. there is actually someone who will treat you the way you deserve, love you the way you should be, unconditionally.. and giving you the attention and time you desire. all of this. and over those who don't give you the time of day because truth be told. they only give to receive and then leave.
God help me. i hate burning bridges. and i pray that that person knows this.
time.
Friday, May 8, 2009
I'm Dying to Know
so this is how it feels
my hearts a little more broken
my hearts a little more torn
my feelings are a little more sulkin
and my thoughts are now a little more used.
i'm trying to resist it
i'm trying to refrain
but i can't rest without closure
i already know it won't be the same
but my heart or my mind
i can't tell which lingers most
the one that keeps melting constantly
or the one who fails to stop boasting
my pride is within me,
but yet i know it's only fair
but how you keep leaving me hanging
drifting, fluttering in the air
its not right, it's uncool,
it's unfair i say to you
but your answers are sporadic
they leave me lonely and still
i keep grasping for something
as i hang on for my dear will
i hate to say it but i'm crestfallen
by this path you lead me down
cause my mind yes you have stolen
and my heart won't be around
because it's confused and mutilated
its damage now and still
you persistently knock out my existing attempts
my false allegations, interpretations if you will
the last two months have been so crazy
my mind was hanging by a thread
and my heart is now tucked away
far deep inside into the darkness of it's bed
i'm not ready for the truth possibly
but my heart tells me i must know
that this game we have started long ago
is gone now, and yet i'll never know
what made you steal that part of me
what made you so eager to fin
or was this all a ploy again
and i was just a trophy for you to win
all my sleepless nights and questions
showed nothing of me still
just of quiet desperation
and of your temporary fill
you could tell me that you're sorry
but that would be so new
you could tell me i meant nothing
then i'd slowly swallow that pill
that pill of insecurity
of how you shot me down until
my mind and body segregated
i was just your prey
and you were just in it for the kill
or maybe i'm just conjuring up
whatever makes best sense
all that hurt and all those feelings
all the physicalities so intense.
i guess i was all along
just another notch you see
you'll go on and forget
yet you'll always remember me
cause one day you'll think back again
and recall all the happiness then the hate
for that momentary lapse of misjudgment
my thoughts of you will soon dissipate
but the questions will remain with you
and you'll wonder yes indeed
did you do what was right instead
or did you just merely fail to succeed
a relationship
a friendship
a fling quite possibly
what was i to you
please tell me
cause i'm just dying to know
what i'm measured up to be.
my hearts a little more broken
my hearts a little more torn
my feelings are a little more sulkin
and my thoughts are now a little more used.
i'm trying to resist it
i'm trying to refrain
but i can't rest without closure
i already know it won't be the same
but my heart or my mind
i can't tell which lingers most
the one that keeps melting constantly
or the one who fails to stop boasting
my pride is within me,
but yet i know it's only fair
but how you keep leaving me hanging
drifting, fluttering in the air
its not right, it's uncool,
it's unfair i say to you
but your answers are sporadic
they leave me lonely and still
i keep grasping for something
as i hang on for my dear will
i hate to say it but i'm crestfallen
by this path you lead me down
cause my mind yes you have stolen
and my heart won't be around
because it's confused and mutilated
its damage now and still
you persistently knock out my existing attempts
my false allegations, interpretations if you will
the last two months have been so crazy
my mind was hanging by a thread
and my heart is now tucked away
far deep inside into the darkness of it's bed
i'm not ready for the truth possibly
but my heart tells me i must know
that this game we have started long ago
is gone now, and yet i'll never know
what made you steal that part of me
what made you so eager to fin
or was this all a ploy again
and i was just a trophy for you to win
all my sleepless nights and questions
showed nothing of me still
just of quiet desperation
and of your temporary fill
you could tell me that you're sorry
but that would be so new
you could tell me i meant nothing
then i'd slowly swallow that pill
that pill of insecurity
of how you shot me down until
my mind and body segregated
i was just your prey
and you were just in it for the kill
or maybe i'm just conjuring up
whatever makes best sense
all that hurt and all those feelings
all the physicalities so intense.
i guess i was all along
just another notch you see
you'll go on and forget
yet you'll always remember me
cause one day you'll think back again
and recall all the happiness then the hate
for that momentary lapse of misjudgment
my thoughts of you will soon dissipate
but the questions will remain with you
and you'll wonder yes indeed
did you do what was right instead
or did you just merely fail to succeed
a relationship
a friendship
a fling quite possibly
what was i to you
please tell me
cause i'm just dying to know
what i'm measured up to be.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Fri May 1: Balancing Act
Strive for balance as the Moon and your life ruler face off today. It may be hard to get along with significant others as they seem more sensitive than usual, but it won't help much if you insist on doing everything your own way. Work together for an agreeable compromise and you will find the evening will be more than satisfying. Fortunate colours are mauve and light pink. Lucky numbers are 16 and 25.
Sat May 2: Frustration
The Moon clashes with deceptive Neptune, overconfident Jupiter and aggressive Mars, creating a great deal of frustration for the Water- Bearer. Your siblings and neighbours may demand a great deal of you and your dearly beloved partners may be quite off the planet; if it gets to be too much, head fro the hills and chill out. Whatever comes up today is likely to resurface later in the month, so you'll have a second chance to deal with the issues then. Beneficial colours are aquamarine and red coral. Lucky numbers are 18 and 31.
Sun May 3: Emotional Depths
The depths of your emotions begin to surface as the Moon enters your eight house of sex, money, and power... many of you will be feeling very passionate today. You may encounter frustrations as retro Saturn denies you pleasure, but if you are patient the cosmos will open the necessary doors for you. Favourable colours are wine red and mink brown. Lucky numbers are 9 and 35.
Tue May 5: Adventure
This is a great weekend to take off on an adventure as the Moon slips into fair Libra and your ninth house of education and travel. The Sun favours Saturn too, which is good for planning. It will also be easier to communicate with those at a distance, so make those difficult phone calls while the timing is right. You might even find you enjoy the company of your in-laws, so enjoy it while you can! Fortunate colours are aquamarine and lemon yellow. Lucky numbers are 9 and 36.
Strive for balance as the Moon and your life ruler face off today. It may be hard to get along with significant others as they seem more sensitive than usual, but it won't help much if you insist on doing everything your own way. Work together for an agreeable compromise and you will find the evening will be more than satisfying. Fortunate colours are mauve and light pink. Lucky numbers are 16 and 25.
Sat May 2: Frustration
The Moon clashes with deceptive Neptune, overconfident Jupiter and aggressive Mars, creating a great deal of frustration for the Water- Bearer. Your siblings and neighbours may demand a great deal of you and your dearly beloved partners may be quite off the planet; if it gets to be too much, head fro the hills and chill out. Whatever comes up today is likely to resurface later in the month, so you'll have a second chance to deal with the issues then. Beneficial colours are aquamarine and red coral. Lucky numbers are 18 and 31.
Sun May 3: Emotional Depths
The depths of your emotions begin to surface as the Moon enters your eight house of sex, money, and power... many of you will be feeling very passionate today. You may encounter frustrations as retro Saturn denies you pleasure, but if you are patient the cosmos will open the necessary doors for you. Favourable colours are wine red and mink brown. Lucky numbers are 9 and 35.
Tue May 5: Adventure
This is a great weekend to take off on an adventure as the Moon slips into fair Libra and your ninth house of education and travel. The Sun favours Saturn too, which is good for planning. It will also be easier to communicate with those at a distance, so make those difficult phone calls while the timing is right. You might even find you enjoy the company of your in-laws, so enjoy it while you can! Fortunate colours are aquamarine and lemon yellow. Lucky numbers are 9 and 36.
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